by Joe Janes 

The Council Who Decides Such Things

This Morning after Coffee and Bacon  

A Cabin in the Woods

In Attendance: A Bunch of White Guys

Dan – Men. Women keep winning elections in this country. If we don’t do something quick, we might see an equal number of women legislating laws. It’s time for us to reclaim our place as leaders in HIStory.

Bob – I just got out of the hospital.

Mike – Sorry to hear that, Bob.

Bob – You know what they said I had? A hernia. A HERRRRRRR-nia!

Kent – Blasphemy!

Bob – I told that doctor that no woman carried that beer keg up two flights of stairs. It was just me. Change your medical doctoring books because what I had will now and forever be called a HIS-nia. 

Dan – All those in favor?

All – Aye!

Dan – Opposed? (silence) Henceforth, hernias will be known as hisnias. 

Stan – The problem with all these women in power is that they are prone to being hysterical. They blame us for that!

Dan – All in favor of HER-steria?

All – Aye!

Dan – Opposed? (silence) Hersteria, now and forever. 

Mike – My wife just had a hysterectomy.

Bob – Sorry to hear that, Mike.

Mike – I have no idea what it is. It’s a woman’s body thing.

Kent – They call it HIS-terectomy to lay all the blame on men for their lady problems. That disgusts me. 

Dan – All those in favor of hysterectomy becoming HER-sterectomy say “Aye”.

All – Aye!

Dan – Opposed. (silence) Any other business?

Stan – We make the babies!

Mike – I’d like to see women try making them without us.

Stan – Without us, there would be no families.

Bob – No families at all!

Stan – When ancestry.com looked into my family HIS-tory. They used my last name and my mother’s father’s last name. 

Dan – Where are you going with this, Stan? I agree with what you are saying, but I have a beer pong tournament to get to. 

Stan – Why the hell is it called HER-itage? It should be HIM-itage!

Dan – In favor?

All – Aye, Aye!

Dan – Opposed? (silence) May we all celebrate our white male himitage! Go tell your children, Stan.

Stan – I have no family. I live in my broke down truck under the bridge on Route 2. I am a himmit. 

Dan – We are all so jealous. Now, I have to go. I can’t let down my beer pong team-

Mike – Oh, your captain left a message. He had to cancel the game.

Dan – What? How come?

Mike – He said he has a bad case of himpes.

Dan – Uh, let’s revisit that word-