By Joe Janes

 Bridgeport Stand-Up Club Meeting

Richard J. Daley Branch, Chicago Public Library, Meeting Room

1pm June 12, 2019

In Attendance: Joe, Daniel, Gail, Mitchell, Justin

Joe – Okay, let’s go over our sets from the open mic last night. I have some notes. Daniel. Um. Good…stage presence. You looked very professional up there. Everything was…audible. 

Daniel – What did you think of my new dick stuff?

Joe – Well, look, I’m not a prude, but I do think coming right out of the gate talking about your genitalia might have been a little off putting. Especially when the open mic is in the coffee shop of  a church. 

Daniel – They said not to worry about language. They’re a hip church.

Joe –The giant crucifix on stage is a constant reminder that they might not be.

Daniel – Jesus had a dick.

Joe – I’m sure he did and I’m sure he performed miracles with it. Probably turned urine back into wine. And then back into urine again. 

Daniel – Can I use that? 

Joe – Sure but let me finish my note. When you begin your set, the audience is getting to know you. If you begin your set with something completely shocking, you might lose them and not get them back. You should at least say hello before you put the microphone against your crotch and pretend your penis is gargling. 

Gail – I liked your dick stuff. 

Mitchell – I liked your new stuff, but I didn’t like following you after you rubbed your dick on the mic. I don’t know if it’s related, but all I could smell while I was up there was a mixture of butterscotch, shea butter, and rotten egg.

Daniel – That’s my Axe Body Spray. I put it right on my dick. 

Justin – Doesn’t that sting?

Daniel – Oh, yeah. But it’s worth it. Chicks go crazy for it. Like in the commercials. The old commercials. Which I wish more women would see so they know how to behave around my scented dick.

Joe – Okay. It’s just a suggestion. Mitchell. Good set. You are really good at doing characters.

Mitchell – Characters?

Joe – Yes. You know, when you acted out that dinner scene with you, your mother, and Satan. 

Mitchell – Oh. Those are just the voices in my head. 

Joe – I see. Well, it worked. One thing I suggest you work on is maybe steering away from talking about suicide.

Gail – I like dark humor, Mitchell.

Joe – I do, too, but this felt more like you were telling us, a lot, that you think about suicide.

Mitchell – I do. You said write what you know.

Joe – Sure, but is that all you know? It’s just that these didn’t seem like jokes and more like a cry for help. I felt the affect was more us looking at one another wondering if we should call someone. I made sure to take away the plastic knife they gave you with your onion bagel and cream cheese. 

Justin – Onion bagel. You are depressed.

Mitchell – Having suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean you’re depressed. 

Justin – Those were your happy thoughts?

Joe – Listen, when it comes to stand-up, your job is to make people laugh in the way that works best for you and the audience. You might want to explore other subjects, like work.

Mitchell – I work at a meat packing plant. 

Joe – Family.

Mitchell – They were all stabbed to death in a break-in a few years ago. He chopped off all their arms and made a flower on the shag carpeting in the living room. My mother’s head was the bud in the center. Which, on a flower, is the sex organ. They never caught the killer. 

Joe – Hobbies?

Mitchell – Taxidermy.

Joe – Well, think about it. Nothing wrong with talking about things that make you happy. 

Mitchell – Taxidermy it is. 

Joe – Justin. Nice set. Good flow. 

Daniel – Like my dick.

Joe – Good transitions. I don’t think you should wear a hat on stage.

Gail – I liked your hat.

Joe – The hat covers your eyes. It masks half of your face. 

Justin – I could wear my ball cap backwards.

Joe – That makes you look like a Wrigleyville douche. 

Gail – I am imagining it on backwards and I like it. 

Joe – It’s not just the hat. It’s your whole outfit. You dress like someone told a 12-year-old to wear all of his favorite clothes and sleep in them for a week without showering. It's distracting. I missed some of your act because I was staring at your t-shirt trying to figure out how many heads that one monster had. 

Justin – Eight. Yamata no Orochi is an eight-headed dragon.

Daniel – Like my dick. 

Justin – You said we should wear clothes that make us feel good.

Joe – Yes. I did. But you should also dress like you care about being there. Part of winning an audience over is letting them know you care about them. It’s like a date.  Would you wear that on a date?

Justin – I haven’t been on a date in six years. 

Joe – We might be on to something. Gail.

Gail – Yes. I liked my set.

Joe – Gail, I’m glad to have a woman in our group and also have someone as mature as you.

Gail – You mean old.

Joe – I mean old. Good to have some different and seasoned perspective. You might want to find some material other than about being a housewife. 

Gail – You said—

Joe – I know, I know. Write what you know. But you’re not a housewife now, are you?

Gail – Not since I outlived all my children.

Joe – Is your husband—

Gail – He’s retired. 

Joe – Oh, so I guess you are still a housewife. 

Gail – Not really. He had his stomach removed from his aggressive cancer, so I don’t cook for him any more and we have a Jamaican lady come in twice a week to clean and take care of the plants. We think she’s stealing from us. He’ll be dead soon and then it will just be me, the Jamaican lady, and whatever is left of my possessions that she hasn’t walked off with. 

Joe – You know what. You all just keep doing what you are doing. It’s fine. It’s all fine. 

Daniel – Like my dick.