By Joe Janes

Be Best Initiative Rebranding Meeting

FLOTUS Office at The White House

Wednesday, June 26, 2019        11:00am

In Attendance: Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and First Lady Melania Trump

Mick – Thank you for meeting with me, Mrs. Trump. As you know, the president loves your program and asked me to support you in reshaping and revitalizing the program. Could we start by going over the Be Best mission statement?

Melania – Uh, sure. The mission of Be Best is to focus on major issues facing children today, with the goal of encouraging children to Be Best in their individual paths by promoting such values as healthy living, encouragement, kindness, and respect. With those values as a solid foundation, children will be able to better deal with the evils of opioid crisis and avoid negative social interaction.

Mick – I hope you don’t mind; I tweaked that last part. “With those values as a solid foundation, children will be able to better deal with the evils of false accusations and avoid negative social media interaction that they didn’t start.” The president wants Be Best to better reflect his presidency. 

Melania – I see. We have also sent teachers Tips for Boys Being Best. If a boy is ever accused of teasing a girl, he should immediately acknowledge his mistake, apologize for hurting her, and promise to do better.

Mick – Ah. See, to be more in line with Mr. President, the boy should flat out deny teasing the girl. We all know boys tease girls because they like them, but he can simply say she is not his type and that the incident in question never happened.  

Melania – That strays from the mission.

Mick – Does it, though? I don’t want to get into too much detail, but I think this will work much better. And so does the president. Your current husband.

Melania – What should the poor girl do when a boy like this teases her?

Mick – Well, that’s easy. She should be flattered. A boy doesn’t give you attention because you are not pretty. If she’s lucky, that boy will grow up to be a successful businessman, maybe even head of the free world. She’d be lucky to be one of his wives and avoid a life as a stripper or porn star. 

Melania – The main point of the program is to make sure boys learn not to bully. 

Mick – Teasing isn’t bullying. It’s complimenting. But you are right, we should also look at conflict management. Boys don’t have the proper tools to engage with one another when angry.

Melania – Girls, too. 

Mick – Well, you know, girls can be unpredictable because of their, you know, blood coming out of there… somewhere. 

Melania – We’re talking girls. 

Mick – Girls, teens, women, they all have the same equipment, am I right? Old enough to pee, old enough to be recorded peeing. Which, if they do get recorded doing that, that’s on them for doing something like that in front of a camera. 

Melania – I’m getting angry.

Mick – I understand. It must be your time of the month, too. I am compassionate. Please try to focus. Boys need to learn that violence doesn’t solve anything.

Melania – That’s the first thing you’ve said that I agree with.

Mick – That’s why boys need to learn to stick to name calling. And do it first. Focus on some odd physical attribute, like if they’re a cripple or gimp or a re-

Melania – Those are not good names to use.

Mick – Of course, they aren’t. Not directly. Allude to them, like if someone is in a wheelchair, call them lazy and accuse them of being unpatriotic for not standing for the national anthem. 

Melania – When will these Be Best changes be implemented?

Mick – Oh, we already made the changes. This meeting is just a courtesy. There’s also going to be a new name. 

Melania – Don’t tell me it’s now Make Children Great Again. 

Mick – Close! The president thought that was too broad and gave the wrong impression about how America feels about all children. It’s Make American Children Great Again. For now. The president is looking at designs. It’s a lot of text for the average voter to grasp in a glance at a forehead or bumper sticker. It will probably be Make US Children Great Again. The president thinks that will look great on a ball cap. 

Melania – I am not happy about this.

Mick – I understand. However, President Trump gave the go ahead and said you wouldn’t mind. And that if you did, he’d just buy you something pretty, like another penthouse. With taxpayer money, of course.