By Joe Janes

GOP Emergency Meeting

Lindsay Graham’s Office, Washington, D.C.

July 17, 2019   8:30am

In Attendance: Lindsay Graham, Mitch McConnell, Joni Ernst, Marco Rubio, Darlene (aide)

Lindsay – As you know, President Trump’s recent misunderstood comments-

Marco – He told people of color to go back to their country.

Lindsay – Go back, fix it, and then come back to the US to show us how it is done. That tells me he has a desire to make this country better and welcomes bi-partisan help.

Marco – He told people who were born in the United States to go back to their country. 

Lindsay – He was speaking metaphorically. 

Marco – Trump doesn’t know what a metaphor is and I’m not sure you do, either. 

Lindsay – Marco, you are missing the point of why I invited you here. 

Mitch – We need to show America that we can stand up to The Squad. Those four female democrats are young, female, attractive, cool, female, attractive, young, exotic, and female. I haven’t had an erection since Regan’s second term, but I still remember what they are, and I am having one. Metaphorically. Metaphorically because my wiener only shoots moth balls. “Shoots” is a strong word for it, too. More of a delayed dribble. 

Joni – I really don’t need to hear about how Mitch’s antique junk works, again. 

Lindsay – Voter registration is up amongst high school and college students. If we want to keep power in 2020, we need to beat The Squad at their own game. We need to show them our own hip squad that’s shaking things up in Washington. 

Marco – We’re at a bit of a disadvantage. I’m the only one in this room with ethnicity and I’m also the youngest. 

Joni – Uh, I’m a republican female. That still counts for something with people, like widows, women who hate themselves, foreign mail brides. You think you’re younger than me?

Marco – I know I am. By one year. I check everyone’s age on Wikipedia. I’m still one of the youngest republicans at 48.

Lindsay – Which is almost 20 years older than AOC. We can’t sell our squad’s credentials with age. We have to sell it with our attitude. Our youthful demeanor. Our sardonic wit. 

Mitch – My tie has amoebas on it.

Joni – That’s called paisley.

Mitch – What it’s called is hip. 

Lindsay – I brought us together because we are four of the most powerful members of the GOP, we hold senate seats, and people know who we are. We just need to tweak our branding. I have a few ideas. From now on, I’m going to go by LOG. Initials are hip. 

Marco – Okay, LOG. What can I do? 

Mitch – Well, there’s that one chick who wears the turban-

Joni – I don’t think that’s what it’s called.

LOG – She’s foreign, it’s a turban. Marco, why don’t you wear something on your head that celebrates your country of origin?

Marco – I was born in Miami.

LOG – You know what I mean. Mexico.

Marco – Cuba?

Mitch – Wear a sombrero. 

Marco -I don’t have a sombrero. If I wanted to honor Cuba, I’d wear an olive-green military cap and smoke a cigar.

LOG- I think we can do that. You can even smoke on the senate floor as a religious freedom thing. 

Joni – Well, I get how Marco and I can hold some ground with relative youth and diversity, but what about you two old white guys?

LOG – I have often been complimented on my youthful good looks and Mitch is only 77. 

Marco – Sorry, Mitch, but that’s old. 

Mitch – It’s old for a human. For a tortoise, I’m just over the hump of middle age.  

LOG – The New GOP Squad gets rolled out today. Let’s take a selfie. Darlene, use my flip phone!

Joni – I don’t think it counts as a selfie if your aide takes it.

LOG – Well, I can’t.  Have to nurse my carpel tunnel because I’m playing golf at Mar-Lago this weekend. Everyone look fierce!

Darlene – Say “Love it or leave it!”