By Joe Janes

The Oval Office of The Whites Only House

11:00am     July 24, 2026

In Attendance: President-for-Life Trump, Vice-President Ivanka Trump,

KellyAnne Conway, and Stephen Miller

Ivanka – Good morning, everyone. What’s on the agenda for the day?

Donald – Where’s Mikey?

Ivanka – What’s that, Daddy?

Donald – Mikey? The young guy that looked older than me. Where is he? 

Kelly – You remember, Mr. President. He had a breakdown last year and moved to Key West and does drag shows under the name Ernest SOHeminGAY!

Stephen - I caught his show The Old Man and the C-Cups. It was very educational. I hated it.

Donald – Oh. Right. I didn’t move, did I?

Stephen – No. You have been in your Rascal Mobility Scooter all morning. 

Kelly – Stephen!

Stephen – I mean, Ground Force One. I like the gold tassels you added to the handle bars, Sir.

Donald – That’s real gold. Keep America Great Again! That should be my newest campaign slogan.

Ivanka – That’s right, Daddy, but we no longer have to campaign since you used Article 2 of the constitution to make yourself president-for-life.

Kelly – The Supreme Court really had your back on that.

Stephen – That will prevent anyone from charging you with obstruction of justice.

Donald – No obstruction! No collusion! Lock her up! Send her back! I like campaigning. I’m going to go outside and give a speech.

Ivanka – We have some business we have to cover first, Daddy, and then we can go find you a stadium to speak in. 

Donald – I work too hard! 

Kelly – Yes, you do, Sir. That’s why we don’t mind the open robe and large diaper. You’re too busy for such nonsense. 

Ivanka – Stephen, please give us an update on immigration and the southern border.

Stephen – Everything looks good. The wall is holding, in spite of attacks from both sides of it. We have managed to control the overpopulation in our detainment camps, so everyone gets a bed and basic amenities until…well, until we escort them into the showers. 

Donald – They shower? I used to shower. I don’t miss that, let me tell ya’.

Kelly – It’s not the same kind of shower, Mr. President.

Donald – Oh. Gotcha. Golden showers. I used to be into that, too, right, Ivanka?

Ivanka – Daddy!

Stephen – They aren’t golden showers, Mr. President. Let’s just say, they get cleansed. And the other detainees get meat in their tacos for another month. 

Donald – We sell the tacos to them, right?

Stephen – Those that manage to leave get a bill for our services. 

Donald – We have the greatest economy in the world!

Kelly – In spite of the dum-o-crats trying to label what we are in as The Greatest Depression; we are doing just fine. Hundreds of thousands of jobs were added last week.

Ivanka – Since we’ve eliminated unions and the minimum wage, lazy poor people have had to take on five or six jobs. It’s now almost as cheap to make my clothes here than in India. 

Stephen – The deficit is at the biggest it has ever been in the history of our country, Sir. 500 Guhjillion dollars. 

Donald – Biggest, ever! We should celebrate. Have the military give me a parade!

Kelly – No problem. They are still set up from yesterday’s Tribute to Trump. If we wait until evening, there’s a full moon tonight. We’ll be able to see your name on the moon since Space Force carved it into the surface. 

Donald – Good, good. Do I have any meetings with those horrible congress people, today?

Ivanka – You outlawed congress three years ago.

Donald – Good for me! I am a very smart man. I am getting a little low on energy.

Kelly – I’ll increase the flow on your Diet Coke IV.

Donald – You’re like my wife, Kelly. Did we have sex this morning?

Kelly – Sex with me? Or your wife?

Donald – Probably not my wife. Does she still live here?

Ivanka – “Mom” moved to Mar Lago a few years ago.

Donald – Oh. I knew that. I should go golfing.

Stephen – I would be happy to toss the ball down the fairway for you, Sir. And chase after it. 

Donald – You’re like a son to me, Stephen.

Stephen – That means a lot to me.

Donald – It shouldn’t. My sons are idiots. Okay. Meeting over, time for me to watch Fox News. Being president is hard.