By Joe Janes 

Continental Congress

Independence Hall, Philadelphia, PA

July 4, 1776 9:30am – Just outside the hall

In Attendance: Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams, George Washington,

Ivanka Washington

Jefferson – Gentlemen, here it is. The latest and, I hope, final draft of The Declaration of Independence. 

Adams- You have excellent penmanship.

Jefferson – Thank you. We’ll need to hire someone for additional copies. Cramps. I need my hands at full mobility when I harvest my hemp.

Franklin – You mean when your slaves harvest your hemp. 

Jefferson – Yes. I mean, I need my hands when I use the hemp. 

(They all laugh. George Washington enters accompanied by his daughter Patsy.)

Washington – I am glad to see everyone is in a jovial mood as we move forward separating ourselves from the British. 

Ivanka – Hi!

Jefferson – Good to see you, Mr. Washington. Thank you for lending us your support when we address congress.

Ivanka – I like declarations. You should see how I declarated our parlor. I used many red and blue declarations.

Washington – You did a wonderful job, Sweetie. If I weren’t already married to your mother, I would totally scoop you up and make you my wife. 

Franklin – Even I find that disturbing.

Adams – General Washington, we are about to present the most important document every written for our future. Why don’t you head on in and Patsy can wait in the carriage?

Ivanka – I don’t want to wait in the carriage! I want to be in here where important things are happening. I’m important, too!

Washington – My daughter is just as capable as anyone else to stand before congress and speak on behalf of the soon-to-be country. 

Jefferson – Your daughter designs satchels for women that are made by children in India for pennies and sold here for dollars. 

Ivanka – I made a green one this week. It’s like all the other satchels, but it is green. 

Washington – See? She has a keen sense for business. 

Franklin – This really isn’t the place for someone’s daughter, George. 

Washington – Patsy is one of the smartest women I know, and just look at how she fills out a bustle. That’s her own rump, by the way. 

Ivanka – “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Adams – That sounds beautiful. Quite eloquent, Jefferson. 

Ivanka – I can read!

Washington – Good job, Patsy. 

Ivanka – I always read out loud when I read, otherwise, I can’t hear what I am saying. 

Adams – It sounds a little less eloquent, now. 

Jefferson – What’s this? Ivanka, did you write your name of the Declaration of Independence?

Ivanka – I can write my name!

Washington – Ivanka, dear, let’s go inside and get a seat up front for the congressional session. Good luck, boys!

(Washington and his daughter head into the hall.)

Adams – This is a catastrophe. We can’t show this document to congress!

Jefferson – It is no longer worth the parchment upon which it is written.

Franklin – Fear not. Just give me a moment. I invented something for just such an occasion. I call it Off-White Out.