By Joe Janes

FEMA Headquarters

11:30am Conference Room Red

In Attendance: FEMA Acting Administrator Pete T. Gaynor, FEMA Acting Deputy Administrator Daniel Kaniewski, and many people who are not scientists or engineers but were promised pastries.

Pete – It’s time we discussed implementing the Trump Administration’s new weather emergency response policies.

Daniel – As you know, a big chunk of our budget is now going toward protecting the southern border. This means our ability to respond to more than one hurricane or flood or tornado or earthquake at a time is a little more limited.

Pete – What President Trump has envisioned is a pre-emptive approach to weather-related emergencies.

Daniel – For example, instead of waiting for wildfires and cleaning up the aftermath, we will be issuing brooms to the Department of Interior to sweep the forests and prevent fires. We have dedicated a few millions of dollars to purchase the brooms and to train forest rangers in effective forest floor sweeping.

Pete – Let me get out in front of this a little, Daniel. How many brooms are we talking about?

Daniel – In total, 85 million brooms. One per acre of public land.

Pete – Will there be enough rangers? I think there’s only two or three on the full-time payroll.

Daniel – To compensate, we will also be rolling out a volunteer program and a mandatory work program for campers. Should make up the difference.

Pete – We might need to issue bear repellant.

Daniel – Or have people purchase their own at a marked-up price?

Pete – Make American Great Again.

Daniel – Let’s talk about earthquakes.

Pete – President Trump noticed at his hotels that when a crack appears in a wall, they just put some goo in it and paint over it.

Daniel – LA and San Francisco are going to get a makeover.

Pete – We only have white paint.

Daniel – LA and San Francisco are going to look more the same.

Pete – Let’s move on to the big one. Hurricanes. Puerto Rico is still vulnerable. New Orleans is still vulnerable. Of course, our whole east coast is vulnerable, but better prepared because they’re closer, smarter, and we care more about them.

Daniel – Won’t matter anyway, because we are going to pre-empt the hurricanes.

Pete – President Trump denies saying this because he is so humble. He doesn’t want to take credit. We’re going to nuke the hurricanes.

Daniel – Dropping a nuclear warhead into the eye of a hurricane will disrupt the hurricane. Ka-blooey! No more hurricane. It’s science.

Pete – Some people worry about the radioactive fallout from detonating a nuclear bomb, but we’re talking about the middle of the ocean. What’s the worst that can happen? Giant tuna? Yum!

Daniel – I think that covers everything…

Pete – Tornados.

Daniel – Ah, yes! Tornados typically occur in rural areas. Tornado Alley is made up of remote parts of Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, Iowa, South Dakota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio.

Daniel – So, we’re not going to do anything.

Pete - Nope. Just blame Obama.