by Kari Castor

I love your hair color! Is it natural?

A. Yes, my hair naturally grows <purple/blue/pink/green/etc>. It’s a true miracle of genetics.

How do you keep the color bright?

A. I’m a witch.

B. Color-depositing conditioner. This is also the reason my fingernails are frequently tinted very slightly <purple/blue/pink/green/etc>.

Do you even remember what your natural color is anymore?

A. This may come as a shock, but my body produces hair in places other than my head, and I don’t dye it all <purple/blue/pink/green/etc>. Therefore, even if I somehow forgot, I’d still have other hair to refer to.

B. What the hell kind of stupid question is that, honestly?

C. You know that hair grows, right? That natural-colored roots grow out of my head?

D. No, all the hair dye fumes have made me very stupid and I’m no longer able to remember anything except the last five days.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

A. Unoriginal and uninspired. F.

B. Drown yourself.

Oh, what an interesting style/color. What does your <boyfriend/husband/male partner> think about it?

A. I don’t give a shit.

B. My hair looks like this and you’re assuming I have a male partner? I mean, I do, it’s just a weird assumption when I go out of my way to look this queer.

C. Oh, of course I asked his permission before I did it, just like I do about every decision I ever make. I truly love being nothing more than a living doll for him to dress and order about as he pleases.

D. Fuck off.

E. My husband likes it. My boyfriend likes it, too.

F. He thinks that I’m a fully autonomous adult human who has the right to make her own decisions about her appearance.

Are you a hairstylist?

A. Hahahahahaha, oh god no. Please don’t ask me to do your hair. The reason I usually prefer to keep so little of my own on my head is that my hairstyling ability basically boils down to: A) uh, I guess I can make a ponytail or B) fuck it, let’s spike this shit up. Option B is more fun and requires less hair.

Aren’t you worried about how it will grow out?

A. Yes, I’m terrified that someday someone will notice my roots and discover that my hair is actually not naturally <purple/blue/pink/green/etc>.

B. What makes you think I plan to grow it out?

C. I mean, yes, the in-between stages when growing out very short hair suck, but I am sure I will survive them if I decide to go that route at some point. Or I’ll wear a wig. Wigs are fun sometimes.

I wish I’d been brave enough to do something wild with my hair when I was young, but I’m too old now.

A. Yes, I am so very brave, thank you for noticing.

B. You’re not too old. Do it now. It’s just hair. Please don’t let society / other people / whatever bullshit you have internalized stop you from doing things that make you happy.

C. I’m 36. Do you think there aren’t loads of people who think I’m too old to have a <purple/blue/pink/green/etc> mohawk? Fuck ‘em.