by Joe Janes

ESPN Programming Meeting

ESPN Headquarters

Bristol, Connecticut

10:00am  Main Conference Room 

In Attendance – Bill, Fred, Mandy, Chet

Bill – Look. We have to get out ahead of this thing. I was listening to the news this morning and they mentioned that guy who shot up the Garlic Festival in California. I’m like, holy moley, I forgot all about it. It’s old news since El Paso and Dayton. There must be some way to keep track.

Fred– That’s horrible, Bill, but what does this have to do with sports?

Mandy – Duh. Everything, Kurt. Skeet shooting is a sport. Hunting is a sport. Rifle matches are a sport. How is this any different?

Fred – Well, for one thing, people died.

Chet – People die in sports all the time. Heat stroke, head injuries, out-of-control Zambonis. It happens. 

Fred – Yes, but that’s not meant to be part of the sport. Mass shootings aren’t scheduled events.

Bill – That’s debatable. The shooter was obviously on a schedule. These guys all prepared. They are wearing the sports gear. They practice. They plan. They write manifestos. 

Mandy – Look, Kurt, I understand what you are saying. You think innocent people were killed.

Fred – Exactly.

Mandy – It’s like a baseball fan getting hit by a ball. 

Chet – Every time we step outside, we take the risk of dying. A car accident, a heart attack, a wildfire, a satellite falling from the sky, a rabid bear. Gun laws are so loose in this country, I say that once you set foot outside your front door, you have just willingly entered the game. 

Mandy – Schools and companies do active shooter drills. They are practicing and preparing for the game. 

Bill – There have been over 248 mass shootings in this country this year alone! This is hot! Our country is not going to stop mass shootings and they are becoming more frequent. Clearly there is an audience for this.

Fred – So you think we need to start treating it like a sport?

Chet – We already keep stats. The Garlic Festival – 3 killed, 13 injured, El Paso Wal-Mart – 20 killed, 27 injured, and Dayton, Ohio – 9 dead, 27 injured. 

Bill – There’s got to be some stat we can create for the kill-to-injured ratio. 

Mandy – And factor in how much time it took. That Vegas guy is still the Michael Jordan of active shooters. He’s going to be tough to beat.

Chet – There are some interesting plays we can single out, too. That Dayton guy shot his sister. I mean, come on, that’s new mass shooter territory. 

Bill – Garlic Festival guy shot himself. I don’t know if that’s a positive or not.

Chet – I don’t think so. I mean, that doesn’t take much skill. He also has the lowest stats. I think that takes points off. 

Bill – Okay. Let’s start by making a segment on Sports Center, maybe call it “Thoughts and Prayers”, and, if it takes off, we’ll make it a show. I’m sure the NRA and many gun manufacturers will hop on board. The “Remington Shot of the Day” has a nice ring to it. 

Fred – I have to say; I wasn’t sold on this idea at first. Seem a little morbid, frankly. But if we don’t call my commentary segment “Ready, Aim, Fred!”, I walk!

(They all laugh.)