By Joe Janes

Trumps Shoots Man on 5th Avenue

New York Times Newsroom

10:00am    September 25, 2019

Attendance: Frank, Sheila, Ernie

Frank – We’ve had some breaking news, people. Apparently, Donald Trump shot an individual on 5th Avenue during rush hour this morning. What do we have?

Sheila – Well, there is a police report, but…

Frank – What’s the problem?

Sheila – The White House hasn’t decided whether or not to release it. 

Frank – Why does The White House have control of the NYPD police report?

Sheila – I don’t know. They say they’ll release a summary of it and then a redacted version of it later.

Frank – That sounds trustworthy. Has Trump made any comments?

Ernie – Yes. He talked to reporters as he was leaving the scene of the crime and handing his tiny smoking gun to Rudy Giuliani. He said, “I didn’t do it. If I did do it, it was the right thing to do. Of course, I did it. I was doing my job as president. The police report will exonerate me. You should really be looking into the person I shot. That’s where the story is. This is a witch hunt. No collusion.”

Frank – Were those all different statements he’s made since the shooting?

Ernie – No. He said them all at once. 

Frank – Witnesses?

Sheila – Plenty, but The White House is telling them not to talk. They say it would be unpatriotic and playing into the hands of the fake news and democrats who are jealous of President Trump’s success. 

Frank – How are they able to do that?

Ernie – We do have some comments from democrats. Kamela Harris said, “He did it and should be arrested.” AOC said, “He needs to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” Joe Biden said, “If he did it, he should probably be arrested.” Nancy Pelosi said, “We don’t agree with what the president allegedly did. We are going to start an inquiry into it.” And Elizabeth Warren said, “He deserves to have his ass kicked all the way to prison. Want me to do it?” 

Frank – Have we heard from the right?

Sheila – Lindsey Graham says, “It’s unusual, but that’s Trump style.” Susan Collins says, “Don’t believe everything you read in the news or in police reports.” Sean Hannity says, “The president didn’t even know the person, so it clearly wasn’t vindictive or personal or a crime, like people on the loony left are saying.” Lou Dobbs says, “Is it really a crime to shoot someone who should be shot?” The NRA says, “This is a clear example of a good guy with a gun stopping a bad guy with a gun.”

Frank – Did the other guy have a gun?

Sheila – They were unarmed. The NRA says, “Just because someone doesn’t have a gun doesn’t mean they aren’t bad and capable of doing bad things with a gun that they could easily purchase. God bless America.”

Ernie – Trump just tweeted that “This is all another HYPED up campaign by the democrats to discredit Donald Trump. Didn’t work with Russia. Didn’t work with Ukraine. Wont work (now).” And there’s a second Tweet. “After I ILLEGIBLY shot this person, a really BIG guy came up to me, tears in his eyes, and said Thak you President Trump. Thank you. My wife has a son. Melanie. Not the BIG guy.”

Frank – What do we know about the person Trump shot?

Ernie – Actually, I just got an e-mail. The White House released their summary of what happened. Trump says he shot the person repeatedly and that It was a black female social democrat Muslim Antifa who walked here from Mexico and worked illegally at a Planned Parenthood in Chicago and was in town for the Climate Change protests. She had an aborted fetus in one hand and a JUUL vape in the other. Trump also said Obama would have shot her, too.

Frank – Sounds legit. Run the story and work up two opinion pieces - one condemning Trump and one praising him. Make sure the second one gets spell checked.