By Joe Janes

Final Instructions

The Garden of Eden

Late Afternoon  Day 6

Attendance: God, Adam, Eve

God – Alrighty, I think that’s about it. I’m going to take tomorrow off. Call me if you really, really need me, but consider yourselves on your own. Enjoy the garden. Play with the animals. Be fruitful and multiply. 

Eve – What does that mean?

God – Oh, have sex. Make babies. When those babies get old enough, have sex with them and tell them to  have sex with each other. 

Adam – That sounds like a solid plan. How soon can we have sex with the babies?

God – Gross. Wait for them to grow up to be your size, Adam.

Eve – What are babies?

God – When you have sex, Eve, you will see your belly become full with child. That child will claw its way out of your nether regions, a tiny scrunched up purple mewling thing, and grow up to look like you and Adam. 

Eve – This sounds painful. I was made out of a rib and came fully formed.

God – Well, you know, I needed to figure out a way for you to be able to do it yourselves without me. Babies are cute. You’ll love them. Just remember to feed them.

Adam – Got it. Give them vegetables and fruit.

God – Oh, no, don’t do that. They will eat that eventually, but at first just let Eve feed them with her body.

Eve – Um…?

God – Use your chest spigots. The baby will know what to do. 

Eve – These are called chest spigots?

God – Call them what you want. I’m sure Adam can come up with a better one.

Adam – I have ten, already.

God – Great. Well, you don’t need me around, then. It will take a few thousand years, but you’ll get this whole planet crawling with babies. 

Eve – I can’t wait to see all the people we create filling up the whole planet.

God – Oh, you’ll be dead by then, but you can look down on things and see them from heaven.

Adam – We get to join you where you live?

God – Yes, and it’s awesome. If you think this place is paradise, heaven is the bomb. The streets are made of gold.

Eve – That doesn’t seem practical.

God – Upkeep is a pain, but it looks brilliant. No one is allowed to use them. Not even me, but I do. I’m God. I can do what I want.

Adam – Okay, then. I guess we’ll see you in heaven.

God – Yes. As long as you don’t sin.

Eve – Say what, now?

God – To sin is to do to something that I told you not to do. For example, you know that big Tree of Knowledge at the center of the garden?

Adam – That tree rocks. 

Eve – There’s a friendly talking snake living in it.

God – Cool. You know how you can eat all the fruit you want all over the place in the garden. Well, when it comes to the that special tree-

Eve – Don’t eat the fruit.

God – Oh, I don’t care. Go ahead and eat it. Next to the tree, there’s that table with all the pastries and doughnuts and the punchbowl. Don’t eat from the rainbow cake in the middle of it.

Adam – That cake is so beautiful.

God – It is. Rainbows are one of my best creations. I was very high when I made them. 

Eve – So, rainbows are bad.

God – Rainbows are amazeballs! Rainbow cakes, however, are bad. They mean you’re gay. Gay means you have sex with people whose bodies look like yours. So, Adam, only have sex with people who look like Eve.

Adam – With chest spigots.

God – Yes. Same for you, Eve. Only have sex with people who look like Adam. People who have a man nozzle between their legs. 

Eve – Does eating from the rainbow cake make you gay?

God – Yes. Eating it, making it, admiring it, all makes you gay. It demonstrates a posture of morality and cultural acceptance contrary to that of my beliefs. What I would call a lifestyle violation and I’d have to expel you from the garden. 

Adam – Maybe you shouldn’t have made it.

God – Look at the time. Good luck! Don’t make me angry!

(God leaves.)

Eve – I want to go eat this cake.

Adam – Race you!