by Joe Janes

Senate Impeachment Trial

Senate Chamber

Wednesday, January 22, 2020           2:00am

In attendance: The entire senate

and the White House legal defense team.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell – It is important that we treat this impeachment trial process with reverence and respect for the law. The senate trial rules are fair, even-handed, and mirrors the impeachment process which failed to remove President Clinton from office.

Before we adjourn, let’s recap adopted trial rules agreed upon my majority vote…

-       No cellphones are allowed in the chamber. For our more senior members, which is most of us, this also includes beepers, carrier pigeons, and telegraph machines. 

-       No one is allowed in or out of chambers during the proceedings. No talking is allowed. Hands are to be sat upon and no one is to make eye contact with anyone. If I see anyone passing notes, I reserve the right to confiscate said note and read it to the rest of the chamber.

-       No witnesses will be called, but if you would like to ask questions to anyone at all, regardless of their presence in the room, you may whisper those inquiries softly into the ether between 2:15am and 2:30am. 

-       No new evidence may be presented. We are not interested in anything else that conclusively proves the alleged guilt of President Trump. 

-       Members of the press are not allowed in chambers. They may stand in the hall outside of chambers wearing blindfolds and noise-cancelling headphones listening to Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the USA on repeat.

-       No food will be allowed in the chamber. Senators may only have water or milk. I am probably the only senator who uses milk. I soak my face in it for 15 minutes every six hours. It gives my complexion its healthy waxy sheen. 

We will resume our trial at 1pm when we will hear the opening arguments from both sides. You may submit questions in writing to Chief Justice Roberts who may read them out loud if he can read your writing and does not find the question offensive to our delicate ears. Please try to avoid profanity. I also want to remind everyone that we all took an oath of impartiality. (He laughs abruptly.) Oh. Sorry. I just shot milk out of my nose.