By Joe Janes

The Bureau of National Holidays

Washington, DC          

January 29, 2026        10:00am

Attendance: Jared Kushner, Steve Ruasch, Phyllis Jacobs,

and Amanda Washington

Jared – Thank you all for meeting with me. As you know, we have some very important business to attend to.

Steve – It’s usually congress who approves national holidays. This is a little unusual.

Jared – President Trump issued an executive order to make sure the American people who overwhelmingly support him got the opportunity to properly celebrate him. It’s very generous of him. 

Phyllis – Where does he want us to put Donald John Trump Day on the calendar? We have a lot of holidays already on the books.

Jared – President Trump understands that and asks that we rename Presidents Day President’s Day. Did you hear the apostrophe in my voice?

Amanda – Loud and clear. 

Jared – He also chose that day because it’s close to when he was acquitted for his first impeachment in 2020. When congress apologized and gave him a do-over term. 

Steve – They should just outlaw impeachment.

Jared – The president thought about that, but he likes getting all these do-overs without risking losing an election. Which he would totally win, anyway. In a landslide. 

Phyllis - Mr. Kushner, when we schedule national holidays, we also send out recommendations to all the mayors in the USA on how best to celebrate that day.

Jared – I have a list. I read several books on holidays. These are my recommendations and I have added a few things per the president’s request. First off, lots of military. Bring out your vets and soldiers home on leave from the Iran War. Spare no expense. For example, in DC, we’re going to have the Blue Angels fly up from behind Washington Monument and then we they reach the top, split out like a big burst with white smoke streaming behind them and splooging in the face of America.  

Phyllis – That makes me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. 

Amanda - You may have to sign an NDA. 

Jared – That feeling is called patriotism. We’re also renaming it Trump Monument. Adding  a cellphone tower so it’s taller than the Washington Monument was. It will also have his name in lights on all four sides. 

Amanda – Okay. I don’t think small towns are going to be able to compete with that.

Jared – Of course, not. But they should do their best to please him. So, if a town doesn’t have any vets who are able to march, they should name a few streets after him. All the streets, in fact. And parade around a few teenage girls in flag bikini swimsuits with MAGA hats, guns, and sparklers. 

Steve -Of course, this will also be a day where all government offices and schools are closed.

Jared – Yes. The president wants that and actually wants everything closed except fast food restaurants and all his golf courses. Those will all remain open. This will give the people a chance to honor Trump by doing some of the things he enjoys.  We will also be rolling out the new $20 bills on this day. 

Amanda – Oh. Is it finally Harriet Tubman?

(pause)

Jared – That slight squeaking sound you just heard is my uncontrollable laughter. No. It is not Harriet Tubman. It will be Donald J. Trump. A president who did more in his first three years than any other president is the history of presidents. Ever. Even while being impeached. The new design is incredible. Instead of the classic drab green colors of the other boring bills, it will red, white, blue, and orange with gold trim. Real gold. The bill itself will actually cost us $100 per bill to produce, but I think you’ll agree it’s worth it . It will also feature one of his most famous quotes.

Steve – The one about windmills and cancer? That one saved lives.

Phyllis – The one about flushing ten times? He’s so right. He’s always so right. (whispering) It takes me fifteen. 

Amanda – Grab them by the pussy?

Jared – All some of his most inspiring quotes, indeed. All worthy, but no. It’s “Take this bill to any Trump property. Tell them Trump sent you.” 

Amanda - So, it’s a coupon?

Jared - No. It’s just $20.

Steve – That is inspiring. 

Phyllis – He’s keeping our economy strong.  

Amanda – I think I’m going to cry, but I’m not sure for which reason. Maybe all of them.