By David Himmel

I use a weighted blanket and melatonin chews to get a good night’s rest instead of going to bed earlier and committing to a bedtime wind down routine.

I use a bidet instead of learning the proper way to wipe my ass clean.

I use a juicer to lose weight instead of balancing my diet and exercising more.

I ingest amphetamines to make my brain sharp instead of exercising or getting enough sleep or reading more.

I use light therapy to make me feel like I feel better when it’s cloudy out instead of making the changes to my lifestyle so cloudy days don’t bring me down.

I use a therapist to sort out relationships issues instead of having uncomfortable discussions with the others in those relationships.

I use social media as a platform for activism instead of running for local office or donating money to the causes I post about caring about.

I smoke cigarettes and weed and drink alcohol at the end of a long day to unwind instead of finding a more constructive activity that actually relieves my stress.

I stack intelligent books on my nightstand but scroll through Instagram and Facebook instead of reading those books in bed.

I curate my Apple News feed to give me analysis from the sources who tell me what I want to hear instead of wading into the discomfort of reading a varied point of view.

I keep good company in groups that support and agree with my generic misery that comes with responsibility instead of figuring out a way to enjoy that responsibility.