by Joe Janes

The Could Not Possibly Be Whiter Southern

White House & Spa

Near The Omelet Station

Thursday, January 2nd, 2020 10:00am

In Attendance: President Donald J. Trump, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Defense Secretary Mark Esper, General Mark Milley, Senator Lindsey Graham, Vice-President Mike Pence 

Trump – Okay, Gentlemen. Thanks for meeting me here at Mar-A-Largo, the southern White House. Help yourself to the breakfast buffet. We have the best omelets here. Everybody says so. Now, did everybody do their homework? What have you got?

Pence – I have my homework, Sir. I came up with 1,000 ideas that we can do to divert attention away from your impeachment trial.

Trump – Okay, Mikey. Good work. Let’s not hear all 1,000. Give me which one you think is your best one.

Pence – That’s easy. We declare the month of February a national holiday. If no one is working, congress can’t meet. By the end of February, everyone will have forgotten about it and moved on to other things, like more winning.

Trump – I like how you’re thinking, Mikey. What would the holiday be?

Pence – Well, you know how President’s Day is a combination of Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays? We can make it a whole month instead of a day. Washington was also a general, so we can say it’s to honor the presidents and all veterans. Honestly, I’d be willing to scrap all that in place of it being Jesus Loves Donald Trump Month. 

Trump – Donald Trump Month. 

Pence – And Jesus.

Trump - I like that. Great way to boost all my properties. They can have Apprentice marathons on TV. Good one, Mikey. General Milley, what do you have?

Milley – Well, it’s a little out of my area of expertise, Mr. President. 

Trump – Please, Mark, call me President Trump.

Milley – President Trump. I think we need to create a diversion that not only takes people’s attention away from impeachment but also has people thinking, “Hey, my president’s too busy to deal with impeachment. Drop this impeachment bologna, Congress!” That sort of thing.

Trump – You are exactly right. We need to divert and make impeachment go away. Go on.

Milley – Some kind of threat ought to do it. We’ve got Space Force all official. Let’s put them to use. Alien invasion.

Trump – I do hate aliens. 

Milley – I’m not much of an artist, but I did draw up what I think their spaceship could look like. 

Trump – Whoa! Good job, Mark. So, you’re saying we fake the whole thing.

Milley – Sure, sure. Send some blurred images out to the press. Some fuzzy audio communications that sound threatening. 

Trump – All foreign languages sound threatening. Don’t you dare come to earth without knowing how to speak English! 

Milley - We could blow up a few things and say, “Oh, look! Those space aliens blew up that housing project with their space lasers.”

Trump – I like this idea, too. Maybe we can do both. Why not? What do my two lovely secretaries have for me?

Pompeo – Well, Sir, Mark Esper and I have done some brainstorming and we think we have come up with something we know you already like.

Trump – Really? What’s that?

Esper – Start a war. There’s impeachment proceedings AND it’s an election year. 

Pompeo – Nobody wants to elect a new guy when there’s a war going on. You don’t change horses mid-stream-

Trump – I assume that has to do with peeing. Go on.

Esper – Well, that was it. Who we start a war with is another thing.

Pompeo – You have friended most of our usual enemies. North Korea, for example.

Trump – He writes such lovely letters. Mike-y reads them to me before I go to bed.

Pence – I do not embellish time at all.

Trump – Every night, I notice something different that I hadn’t heard before. Always something about how much he admires me and wishes he had hair like mine. Kim tells me about his dreams.

Pence – His dreams, not mine. 

Esper – We were thinking Iran. Everybody agrees they’re a hostile nation.

Trump – Nothing but bad hombres in Iran.

Pompeo – We have it on good authority that General Soleimani will be at the Baghdad airport tomorrow with a group of other Iranian no-gooders. It would be an easy drone strike. No US casualties. No important Iraqis. 

Trump –And who is that guy, again?

Esper – General Soleimani. Commander of the Quds Forces.

Trump – Ugh! Kurds! I’m sold. Let’s get this guy. We’ll tell people he’s the worst thing since Osama Bin-Laden. 

Pence – We can also say he was involved in 9/11. People eat that doo-doo up 

Pompeo – We can go ahead and make arrangements, Sir. You might want to think about next steps.

Trump – Next steps? We go golfing. That’s our next steps.

Esper – We mean when Iran retaliates. 

Trump – They don’t dare. We’re the most powerful country in USA. There’s no way they would retaliate. 

Pompeo – Well, we kind of want them to, Sir. So we can start a war. What do we do if they don’t retaliate?

Trump – That’s easy. We declare February The Holy Month of Trump and while everyone is on holiday, we announce the imminent threat of space aliens. Chaos! And only I alone can deal with it. Impeachment will be thrown out the window. Along with Pelosi, I hope.

Graham – Here’s your omelet, President Trump.

Trump – Thanks, Lindsey.  

Graham – What did I miss?

Trump – My ketchup. Go back and get it.