If Yogi Bear Were God, I’d Have This Thing Wrapped Up
From a Letter from Pontus Pilate to Tiberius Caesar:
...from that moment I was convinced that the conquered had declared themselves the enemy of the conquerors; and I would warn the Romans to beware of the high Priests of this country. They would betray their own mother to gain office and a luxurious living. It seems to me that, of conquered cities, Jerusalem is the most difficult to govern. So turbulent are the people that I live in momentary dread of an insurrection.
At first I was apprehensive that his design was to stir up the people against the Romans, but my fears were soon dispelled. Jesus of Nazareth spoke rather as a friend of the Romans than of the Jews. One day in passing by the place of Siloe, where there was a great concourse of people, I observed in the midst of the group a young man who was leaning against a tree, calmly addressing the multitude. I was told it was Jesus. This I could easily have suspected, so great was the difference between him and those listening to him. His golden-colored hair and beard gave him the appearance of a celestial aspect. He appeared to be about thirty years old. Never have I seen a sweeter or more serene countenance. What a Contrast between him and his hearers, with their black beards and tawny completion!
I extended to him my protection, unknown perhaps to himself. He was at liberty to act, to speak, to assemble and address the people, and to choose disciples, unrestrained by any Praetorian mandate. Should it ever happen {May the gods avert the omen!} should it ever happen, I say that the religion of our forefathers will be supplanted by the religion of Jesus, it will be to this noble toleration that Rome shall owe her premature death, while I, miserable wretch, will have been the instrument of what the Jews call Providence, and we call destiny.
Pilate knew that he was witnessing a new religion forming when he saw Jesus speak. He could see the demise of Roman rule at the hands of this new prophet and gave him the freedom to speak publicly about it. People believe in things that inspire them or provide them with a road to dominance because religion is both a way to codify behavior for oneself and to then enforce that behavior from everyone else.
Back in college, I really wanted to date Diane. OK. That was coy. I wanted to jump her bones. There was chemistry but she was Mormon. Like, full-on Mormon. Her father was an elder at her church. She told me before we could date I had to talk to him first. He invited me to meet at the church.
“You want to see my daughter socially?”
“Well, yeah. Uhm. Yes, sir. I would.”
“We don’t allow dating outside of the church. Would you be interested in coming to some classes and workshops before I give permission?”
“I’m a college student. Classes and workshops are all I do right now, so sure.”
For six weeks I’d go to Mormon school. Diane would check in with me at lunch in the commons area to see how it was going. I sat through spiritual exercises, hour-long seminars on the history of the church, and workshops designed to indoctrinate me into this odd belief system. If something they told me was not unintelligible, it was vague. If neither unintelligible or vague, it was unverifiable.
Yet these decent people believed. They believed in the absurd story of Joseph Smith and his magic glasses and disappearing golden tablets. They believed that multiple marriages primed them to live as gods and goddesses in the afterlife (even though officially they denied this, the classes sure made polygamy seem like the path to follow). There was the whole thing about binding underwear.
“Well, Mr. Hall. You’ve passed your classes. Any thoughts about what you learned?”
I wanted to get into Diane’s pants but not enough to stop myself from being honest.
“Sir, no disrespect intended but I’d sooner believe that Yogi Bear was the Divine Creator before putting my faith in this nonsense.”
While leaving me with a six week case of blue balls the time was instructional although not in the manner expected. I wondered what was going through the minds of people who believed Smith when he told them his bullshit story? I’m certain some thought he was a loon, others thought he was maybe an idiot, but enough people believed that it started a new branch of Christianity. That’s big. A new religion in the midst of so many.
Like Scientology, the Branch Davidians, the Aetherius Society, the Gentle Wind Project, and the Reformed Druids of North America, it seems so many are looking for answers in cults so cults are born on the flimsiest of reasons with nonexistent means to verify their connection to truth.
Turns out it isn’t difficult to start a cult and gain followers.
Step 1: Choose a set of grievances and attribute them to an amorphous enemy.
In the odd quirk of being the only truly conscious animal on the planet, each one of us is the hero (or anti-hero) of our own private movie. Each of us, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, believe that our struggle is the Greatest Struggle (often in spite of all evidence to the contrary). The Cult of Personality functions by breaking that quirk down, effectively convincing people that someone else is the real hero and themselves pawns to his or her victory over the Other. The Cult of Personal Anguish exploits this quirk, enforcing that each of us has Greater Pain than anyone else and by attacking the Other, we each receive our due.
So pick one. Pick some slight you feel personally. Anything that makes you feel all the bad feels. You know, because you are misunderstood and treated with less...whatever you think you deserve. Hell, pick a couple that seem related.
Some examples might include:
You feel objectified by _____.
You feel unheard by _____.
You feel left out by _____.
You feel criticized and shamed by _____.
Your choices in life have left you with LESS than _____.
_____ are happier or more fulfilled than you
Step 2: Use language to pre-emptively invalidate all criticism or questioning.
This is key. The idea is to take an already agreed upon set of words that denote injustice or abuse and gradually expand the meaning until your specific anguish is cloaked in them. That way, when anyone questions your logical conclusions, you can throw out those words and phrases and shut down dissent.
If someone is critical of a war, they are automatically supporting terrorists.
If someone tells an off color joke in the office, he is automatically a sex offender.
If someone points out the obvious connection of a flag to slavery, she is automatically attacking your cultural heritage.
By expanding the umbrella that words mean, you destroy the nuances of language. Like when the word "rape" — defined as sexual intercourse without consent — is attached to the word "culture" and suddenly paints a broader brush that covers pretty much anything men say or do. Attaching the word "verbal" to the very specific "assault" amps up the calling of names to felony territory. Add "heritage" to a long standing bigoted "culture" and it seems goddamned noble.
More importantly, let these words and phrases completely dominate your discourse. Find ways to attack anything and everything through the prism of your pain. Eventually you and your followers will begin to lose the ability to see the complexities of living on a rock with seven billion fucking people and only see society through that kalaidiscope of personal misery. The mere opening of a door can be construed as sexist. The practice of women's basic health 97% of the time is completely eradicated because of a legal surgical procedure. Everything a white person says or does is automatically racist in intent.
A Cult of Personal Anguish requires a huge degree of fealty to these horse blinders, this narrowing of the world within the tunnel of your personal oppression or it falls apart under scrutiny.
Step 3: Recruit others who either feel that grievance or gain something by identifying.
In the Age of Constant Connectivity, this is a breeze. White Supremacist groups would be pocketed away in small, dark corners if not for the internet. With this tightening of the world via digital communication, being heard by others who hurt the same hurts as you is easier than ever before.
There are also on the periphery those who, while they don't exactly feel your specific pain, gain a sense of validation by identifying with it. These "allies" to your cause are good for numbers but don't count upon them if things get tough. While they can assist in many ways, these are just groups of seekers who feel that things aren't quite fair enough for them but have no esoteric pain to attach to. Your cause is like a t-shirt they can wear and feel included in something bigger than themselves.
Speaking of, sell t-shirts. Your "allies" will buy them. That's how you can tell them from your True Believers and you can make a couple of bucks in the process.
Step 4: Create an “Us vs Them” Mentality
Essential. Without an enemy to blame your grief upon, your cult goes nowhere. Focus lots of energy in pointing out the differences rather than similarities. The similarities weaken your cult. The differences are the fucking gas on the fire. Using Step 2 to amp up the discord, be on a constant attack on the Other. Ignore those other groups who, perhaps, have some of the same grievances because YOUR cause is FAR more important than theirs.
Remember the propaganda of WWII that reduced all Germans and all Japanese to evil caricatures. Observe how FOX News demonizes anyone who doesn't fall in line with their narrow worldview. Find your version of Bobby Jindal or Ben Carson to turncoat against those you see as Them. Remember, this is WAR (because if you attach the word "war" to anything else, it automatically becomes a Big Deal).
Become a Single Issue Proponent. Anyone who is not completely loyal to your cult becomes a part of the cause of your hurt. This is a broad strokes, scorched Earth approach that has succeeded for thousands of years.
When called out on this focus, obfuscate the issue by claiming a broader definition of the problem/oppressor:
"I love all sinners but hate the sin."
"When I say 'white people are racist' I mean the system is racist."
"I'm not saying Mexicans are the problem. All illegal immigrants steal our jobs..."
"I'm not attacking the Good Policemen just the 'bad apples' when I say Kill the Cops."
"It's not a war on women. It's a war on what's inside of women."
Once you have these four steps nailed down, go organize. Get a non-profit status or a Super PAC to support you (I mean, while you are out there sowing the seeds of revolution, someone has to pay the bills, amiright?) and legitimize your cult as either a political movement, a righteous cause, or a religion. Look around — there are legal organizations surrounding the pain Christians feel about abortions they don't have, the anguish Southerners have when removing their flag, coercing airlines to increase seat capacity for the Differently Weighted, the misery certain people have when their kids read about evolution, and Online Bullying.
A generation of citizens with crushing debt and few genuine job opportunities can feel bereft of transcendence and meaning, and “becoming woke” fills that spiritual hole. “Woke” is religion without God which strips away all the trappings of what we know of religion, simplifies the complexities of things like racism, income inequality, and the environment, and is really easy. Like Christianity, you profess your wickedness, confess your sins, and tithe to the church and you go to heaven.
Like early Catholicism, you wage war on those unbelievers and call it conversion. Create a moral binary that dictates a ‘with us or against us’ scenario and hammer it home. Spin the soft bigotry of yesterday and make it antiracism. No one likes to be called a racist and with no way to demonstrate that one is not racist, the moral binary takes hold.
I’ve read the books and heard the arguments. I believe most in the current cult are decent people who somehow believe in their movement.
Should it ever happen {May the gods avert the omen!} should it ever happen, I say that the religion of our forefathers will be supplanted by the religion of Kendi and DiAngelo, it will be to this noble toleration that America shall owe her premature death.
As for me? I’d sooner believe that Yogi Bear was the Divine Creator before putting my faith in this nonsense.
