by Joe Janes

Hammer Time! with Hammer T. Dick

The OAN Network

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

11:00am CST

HAMMER

Good evening, America. I’m Hammer T. Dick. This is Hammer Time! Where we look the “news” straight in the eye. We are obligated by law to use “air quotes” around “news”. Hammer Time! is brought to you by The My Neckbrace Guy - casual neck braces for true patriots. My guest tonight is the most conservative senator in America. From the great state of North Carolina. Sandra Hartley. (Zoom opens to include Sandra.) Welcome, Sandra.

 

SANDRA

Thank you, Hammer. 

 

HAMMER

Zoom hug!

 

(They pretend to hug.)

 

HAMMER

It’s an honor to have you on the show. 

 

SANDRA

Keep fighting the good fight, Hammer.

 

(He awkwardly holds the hug it longer than she does.)

 

HAMMER

I will. (He un-embraces) You are here to make a special announcement that might just have something to do with the upcoming presidential election.

 

SANDRA

I am.

 

HAMMER

A Hammer exclusive, ladies and gentlemen! We’ll get to that soon. Senator Sandra. This great country of ours, while still the greatest country on the planet, is no longer the great country it used to be.

 

SANDRA

That is so true. Bless Donald Trump’s heart husk for trying.

 

HAMMER

Many diehard fans of the GOP, like myself, have come to realize we have a president, while a great humanitarian, may not be up to the task. Hurts me to say. He is up against conniving bleeding-heart liberals in congress getting blood on everything that we used to hold sacred. The marble statues. The flag. Overpriced private health care. Senator Sandra, what happened?

 

SANDRA

Hammer, the problem is the system. Too many politicians are being elected to political positions. 

 

HAMMER

We have one non-political leader against an ocean of career politicos. He needed more unexperienced soldiers to support him in congress. 

 

SANDRA

It’s what our founding fathers intended.

 

HAMMER

So, true. Thomas Jefferson was a farmer and managed a diversity outreach crew of volunteer farmhands. 

 

SANDRA

John Adams was an accountant and bald.

 

HAMMER

Ben Franklin invented sushi.

 

SANDRA

My point is that I don’t trust a president who is only concerned with being president and serving the country. I want a president who maybe has time for some presidential stuff late in the afternoon or early evening after he has already put in a full day at his hardware store or pharmacy. 

 

HAMMER

I wish more people in Washington thought the way you do. Do you currently maintain a fulltime job while being a senator?

 

SANDRA

Would that I could. Unfortunately, I am independently wealthy. 

 

HAMMER

From years of hard work forging your own business?

 

SANDRA

Yes. My father was a billionaire. He earned his fortune on the backs of Virginia coal miners. I appreciate their hard work and imagine what it’s like everyday. I will sometimes sit in a dark room and think to myself, “This is what it’s like to be a coal miner.”

 

HAMMER

It’s what keeps you grounded and such a representative of the people. 

 

SANDRA

And just because my father was a billionaire, don’t think I had it easy. He only left me 40 million dollars to live on. 

 

HAMMER

Sad how people want to just put you in a box. 

 

SANDRA

It truly is. I have to count my pennies. Although, that would take a very long time, so I have other people who do that. 

 

HAMMER

You are sexy and wise.

 

SANDRA

I can’t help that.

 

HAMMER

I wish democrats were as sexy and wise as you. 

 

SANDRA

Tell me about it. Last year, my opponent, who is, shall we say, of a certain variety, spent over six million dollars in his campaign against me. Can you imagine that? Six billion dollars.

 

HAMMER

That’s a lot of zeroes.

 

SANDRA

A lot of zeroes most of my constituents will never see. I don’t see how you can be out there telling the world you are standing up for poor people when you are spending money like that.

 

HAMMER

How much did your campaign spend?

 

SANDRA

Only five billion. Through anonymous donors that I like to think are the heart of America pitching in their hard earned ten or twenty million dollars to make this country great again.

 

HAMMER

I pitched in 50k through a super Pac under my HammerCo banner. My company demands to pay for your free speech. 

 

SANDRA

America thanks you. As do I. 

 

HAMMER

What’s it going to take, Sandra? What is it going to take?

 

SANDRA

To make this country really great, again? I think it’s time for my announcement, Hammer.

 

HAMMER

I am sitting on pins and needles. Blood is seeping through my trousers through a thousand tiny puncture wounds. 

 

SANDRA

I’m here to tell you and America that I am not running for president.

 

HAMMER

You’re not. That’s horrible news, Senator Sandra. America needs a leader like you. A leader who’s not afraid to lead.

 

SANDRA

I agree. I’m not afraid. That’s why I’m announcing the creation of a new position. Queen.

 

HAMMER

But I thought the problem we had with Obama was that he acted like a king. 

 

SANDRA

It was. It was a problem because he’s not a king, except maybe in Kenya. But if I am Queen, I will act every bit like a queen. I’ll decree the pledge of allegiance before every meal and bedtime, democrats will have to go to Mexico if they want an abortion, we’ll drill for oil and natural gas in people’s living rooms, we’ll revert to a gold standard for our currency, guns for every straight white man, woman and child. Everything. Everything we ever believed in, Hammer. We’ll do it because I am queen and because I said so.

 

HAMMER

Senator Sandra-

 

SANDRA (standing)

Queen Sandra!

 

HAMMER

But, it’s not official, yet.

 

(She puts on a crown and scepter.)

 

SANDRA

May as well get used to it. 

 

HAMMER

Do you really think you can get elected queen?

 

SANDRA

Elected? Have you been paying attention the last four years, Hammer? The Supreme Court will appoint me. Why do you think we’re rushing to fill the courts?

 

HAMMER

Aren’t you veering off a bit from what the founding fathers fought for?

 

SANDRA

They were rebelling against a male asshole British monarch and replaced it with 45 male temp workers. I’ll be America’s first queen. People will still be free to practice whatever Christian religion they wish. And I’ll cut taxes. We’ll only cover enough to keep the military strong and the Whitehouse clean and looking nice. And I’ll need a new wardrobe. This is the dawning of a brand-new day for America, Hammer. 

 

HAMMER

Will you be a part-time queen, like you hoped for the president and all politicians?

 

SANDRA

To stay in touch with the people, I will work one hour a week at a local coffee shop. Just, don’t give me any complicated orders. Keep it simple, people. I’m the queen.

 

HAMMER

So humble and, yet, so arrogant. In a good way.

 

SANDRA

Join me, won’t you?

 

HAMMER

Join you? 

 

SANDRA

I’ll need a concubine, Sir Hammer T. Dick. You can be one of the knights of my round cabinet, Sir Hammer T. Dick. 

 

HAMMER

That sounds cool. 

 

SANDRA

It shall be cool. And America will be great, again. Just like how we think we remember it, but with a queen. A good and just and loyal queen who will only behead unpleasant people, like ANTIFA and vegans. 

 

HAMMER

You heard it here on Hammer Time!, folks. The next queen of the United States, Sandra Hartley! Long live the queen!

 

SANDRA

I’m going to put my face on money!

 

HAMMER

This has been the “news”.