By David Himmel

• Everything behind us looks like it had been leading us to right now all along. Good or bad, your past is your Maker.

• Economics always outweigh empathy. Be suspect of the uber wealthy.

• A tenant of religion is to put blame and responsibility on a higher power—a plan that is beyond individual control. Be suspect of the zealots who shame those who don’t “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”

• Man’s worst invention was the wife.

• Woman’s biggest mistake was thinking changing her husband would end well.

• Those previous two points are why gay marriage should be legal and we should all start fucking our dogs and marrying them, too.