By Joe Janes

Washington National Cathedral

Sometime Soon

CORY

It’s so wonderful to see so many naked friendly faces sitting so close together. I can’t think of a finer tribute to the man we are all here to honor. I would not be here today if it weren’t for the beacon of hope that is Donald J. Trump. I had been traveling around the globe. I got tired of cruise ships and wanted to settle down. Months before arriving, I let people know I had my eye on America. I wanted to live the dream of freedom and prosperity. I started out small. A staff (infection) of about 15 in the northwest. Thanks to the generosity of US citizens, I was able to spread my business to every state, including Alaska, Hawaii, and the territories (holds heart)…Guam. Love Guam. Love sailors. They may be losers and suckers to some…

I was able to do this in a very short period of time. Democrats would have tried to stop me or limit my growth. We all know President Trump hated regulations and government intervening into business. The president and all republicans greeted me with open arms, noses, and mouths. So many hugs and close talking or, as I call it, networking. I found  my people. President Trump welcomed me everywhere he went. I was present for many a whisper in the corridors of power in Washington, DC. Although, Trump doesn’t really know what a whisper is. He also introduced me to all his friends. He did not discriminate based on race or class. I met his friends in politics, his friends at his golf resorts, his friends with questionable taste in fashion, but with a lot of enthusiasm for our hero president.

We became very close in the end. Dare I say, besties? He even gave me a shout out on a Twitter video saying, "It’s been a very interesting journey. I learned a lot about Cory. I learned it by really going to school. This is the real school. This isn't the 'let's read the books' school.’” Now, we all know Donald and how he did in “let’s read the books” school. You just can’t learn when you are already the smartest man in the world. 

He says he learned a lot from me, but really, he didn’t. If anything, he was the master and I was the student. I learned from him. From President Trump, I have learned to brag a little. (knowing giggle from the crowd of mourners). One of his goals was to take away healthcare from people who could not afford it. Happy to say, I single-handedly took it away from over 200,000 people and am on track to double that by the end of the year. Also, because of me, Donald Trump lost a few pounds and now weighs the same as it says on his doctor’s reports. Still, you pall bearers better limber up.

Donald Trump took care of me. I’m not sure who he loved more, me or the stock market. (whispers “It’s me” while winking to the stock market). Who am I kidding? He was and will always be number one with himself. Everyone else is a number two. 

I was with Donald when he passed. I was the only one the doctors allowed to be in the room with him. He beckoned to me, “Hoaxie,” that was his nickname for me, “Hoaxie, tell them. Tell them I brought back football.” He also wanted me to make sure that on his tomb stone is inscribed the wise words, “This is Obama’s fault.”

I feel like I know all of you because we all share so much love and respect for this man. If we haven’t met, please introduce yourself at the wake. I’ll be standing near the buffet.