By David Himmel

 The greatest lesson we should take from everything in life is that the mighty will always fall.

It was announced this week that yet another famed Chicago institution is being sold off. The Second City joins the likes of iO, Marshall Fields, and the Sears Tower. And like Fields it will become an entity of grand mediocrity under its new ownership. That’s how these things go.

It’d be lovely if one or several of its alumni scooped it up and chose to return it to its former glory with an eye on creating progressively irreverent comedy and honing the comedic chops of future comedy stars. But that won’t happen. Because why would Tina Fey or Stephen Colbert or Bill Murray want the headache of owning and overseeing a Chicago theater? One of the perks of fame and success is that you don’t have to deal with that kind of misery. Maybe Dan Aykroyd will consider it. He’s into goofy business ventures. He’s into goofy business ventures. How’s that vodka company of his doing?

No. Instead, The Second City will likely be bought up by an investment firm, similar to Cirque du Soleil. And you know how those investment folks love to shred the arts to bits in the dishonorable pursuit of making more money as fast as possible while squeezing every last ounce of authenticity from long-lauded brands like The Second City. Many make the case that the theater fell into disarray long ago. That it’s little more than a printing press for shillings built on the backs of unpaid interns and poorly paid employees; the cool table for the uncool kids; a place where your dreams will only stretch as far as your dollar and your willingness to play social politics.

This Year of Our Lord, 2020, has revealed quite a few things about us. The recurring theme is that it’s high time our greatest institutions must die. The mighty must fall. So, as someone who interned at The Second City, went through several training programs, produced plays for its stages, here’s what I suggest happen to that theater: Turn it into a laser tag arena. Call it Zip, Zop, ZAP!

You may argue that now is not the time to open a new business, what with the pandemic and all. But laser tag is the perfect pandemic business.

1. It is safe, playful violence, which allows us to express our collective and individual frustrations, rage, and panic related to, well, being alive today. Laser tag guns are likely the only guns liberals feel safe operating, so it’s a superb way for the Right and the Left to shoot at each other without breaking any manmade or divine laws.

2. Masks can easily be worn, perhaps even becoming part of the gear players would wear during a battle session.

3. Social distancing is encouraged. You don’t want to spend too much time too close to your enemy. Shoot them and move on. Stay mobile. Makes you harder to hunt. You also don’t want to cluster too closely with too many of your teammates because a big group of people obviously makes for an easy target.

4. The gear is easily wiped down and thoroughly disinfected after each battle session. Safety first!

Don’t mourn the loss of the training center or even the performance stages. You want to be funny and perform? Get a YouTube account. Or jump on TikTok. Or Facebook Live. Or any other currently available DIY platform. See, we don’t need our old institutions anymore. They are a visage of what was. They belong in a museum, down the hall from statues of Christopher Columbus.

 The space The Second City calls home in Old Town at North and Wells avenues is big enough to house multiple battle arenas. There’s also plenty of space to open up a weed café because, why not. Laser battles on THC are undoubtedly far more entertaining than more poli-sci commentary the bright minds and talented performers at The Second City could churn out.

“Zip, Zop, ZAP! Unlike most live theatre, this place is a BLAST!”

If you’re interested in investing with me, I can be reached directly at david@literateape.com.