By Joe Janes

The Trump Administration’s

41st Governors Briefing on COVID-19

November 17th

Vice-President Mike Pence informed the governors of the United States of the robust and unprecedented and best of any country in the world’s plans the administration has in place to distribute a COVID vaccine as soon as it is available. 

-      The primary method will be to drop millions of single-shot doses from Trump helicopters over cities

-       A vaccine station will be installed next to the omelet station at all Trump properties’ breakfast buffets. A $100,000 donation to the Trump re-election campaign will get you to the front of the line, a souvenir Trump hypodermic needle (gold-plated), and some of the good cheese

-       A booth will be set up at Trump rallies right next to a booth that warns about the side effects of vaccines, like mind control and homosexuality – both will sell MAGA merch

-       For people who do not like needles, the vaccine will be available infused in Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, and, for Native American communities, Trump Blankets

-       People can request to receive their vaccine through the mail. Allow 3–5 days for delivery unless Louis Dejoy is still the postmaster general, then allow 3–5 years

-       The police and private militias will be equipped with vaccine guns to shoot at any ANTIFA they suspect have not been vaccinated

-       States that voted for Trump will receive preferential treatment. Blue states will receive vaccines after their governors have formally apologized (on Twitter) about how sorry they are for their fraudulent elections and then commend Trump for his strength and leadership

-       President Trump reserves the right to cancel the distribution of free vaccines and replace it with something much better that he’s been working on