By Joe Janes

Today on November 4, 2020,

President Trump has already

accomplished the following:

-       Signed an executive order called The Patriot Protection Act that declares a one-mile radius around the White House to be “lava”. Only those with official “invisible armor” status may walk or drive on lava zones with immunity. Violators will be met with brute force.

-       The bunker has been officially renamed The TRUMPus Room. The president will be permanently relocated there. The room will be outfitted with a bed, a television, a gold chemical toilet, and a 24/7 McDonald’s Express.

-       The Patriot Protection Act will declare his second term a lifetime appointment and only he may appoint his successor. In the event of his unexpected demise, the supreme court will be allowed to appoint any successor named Ivanka. (The lifetime appointment has already been endorsed by the NRA who see this as a way to boost gun sales among liberals.)

-       Democratic led cities and states will have their federal funding eliminated and the national guard or people who look similar to the national guard will be sent to their areas to suppress violence and cough on ANTIFA. 

-       Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, and that woman from Michigan actually will be locked up for reals this time. 

-       The Patriot Protection Act also states that no fat chicks are allowed in the White House.

In addition to signing The Patriot Protection Act, Trump has done the following…

-       Per Trump’s “request”, Attorney General William Barr has ordered that all investigations into Donald Trump, his family, top financial supporters, and himself, cease immediately so as not to distract the president from his important hard work.

-       A White House controlled 24-hour news service will begin called MAGA Newz. It will feature real news for real Americans from the Trump administration and infomercials about Trump properties. 

-       The Washington Monument will be outfitted with a shell resembling President Trump holding a Bible. This is to show his immense strength and to frighten birds. 

-       Chinese food can only be referred to as “Flu Food”.

-       Trump also released his comprehensive health care plan. It is one sentence. “Like Obamacare, but better.”

-       Trump licensed his name to a pharmaceutical company whose main product will be Trump Vaxines. The label features a dancing Donald Trump and the small print includes “May or may not cure COVID-19.” Its active ingredients are hamburger grease, Diet Coke, and Windex. The product will be available Friday for $75 per dosage, like water.

-       Trump orders Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin to replace God’s name on money with “Trump”.

-       Trump demands that Walter Reed Hospital open a new wing named after him devoted to studying and treating cancer caused by wind turbines. 

-       Trump now refers to Abraham Lincoln as “republican in name only”.

-       Abhorred that George Floyd struggled to breathe for eight minutes and 46 seconds, President Trump demands police learn more effective techniques to kill black people faster.