By Joe Janes

New Member Orientation

The Hall of Doom

Wednesday      February 19, 2020      8:30am 

Attendance: Lex Luthor, Rod Blagojevich, Micheal Milken, Bernard Kerik

Lex – Gentlemen, welcome to Doom Hall. I hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place.

Bernard – A little. It is in a swamp. I thought Trump was draining the swamp.

Lex – Ha! Good one. Our swamp runneth over with swampiness. Our hall also doubles as a spaceship and a time machine.

Rod – Time machine? Really? Can I go back to when my hair was black?

Lex – Yes, but your hair would still be gray. When you travel back in time, you don’t get younger.

Rod – Ah.  I didn’t think that through. Guess I’ll just dye my hair. Or shave it.

Lex – Don’t do that. That’s my thing. Anyway, welcome. Since President Trump pardoned you, he asked me if there might be a place for you in my organization. Since he has cut my taxes and kept the IRS and DOJ away from LexCorp, I told him I’d take a look. 

Michael – What is it you all do here?

Lex – In a nutshell, we try to defeat superheroes and take over the world. We give to charities that spend more on administrative fees than on actual charitable work. We also have mad genius grants. Our last one went to that guy who kept smacking the back of the seat of that woman who reclined her chair on an airplane. 

Bernard – That’s really the airline’s fault.

Lex – Which we run, thank you very much. Airports, too. Do you really think you need to take off your shoes for everyone to be safe? We also charge extra money to people who don’t want to take off their shoes. That was my idea. Airlines. More money, less service.  

Bernard – I was almost head of Homeland Security.

Lex – Almost only counts in horseshoes and massive flu virus outbreaks. We might be able to use you at the border. LexCorp received a no-bid contract from the Trump administration. We want the wall to look awe-inspiringly secure and super easy for illegals to get over. It’s  part of our campaign to denounce immigrants while also hiring them for way less money than a human should make for backbreaking hard labor. Look at the Hall of Doom. Built this from my design with five Mexicans I picked up in a Home Depot parking lot.

Michael – Sounds like I’m in the right place. I used to be a financier. 

Lex -  We’ll get you to work on funneling money to all the GOP campaigns for office. 

Michael – Right in my wheelhouse. I specialize in dark money.

Lex – Excellent. We want to use the fortune of a cursed evil wizard on another planet galaxies away from here. 

Michael – I might need some ramp up time, but I’m game. 

Lex – I’ll have Dick Cheney train you. 

Rod – Well, gosh, Lex. What can I do? 

Lex – What are you good at?

Rod – Well, I’m a bit of a celebrity. People have seen me on television, a lot. I could help with PR. I was on Celebrity Apprentice. 

Lex – You got fired in the fourth episode.

(The phone rings.)

Lex – Lex Luthor, here. I have you on speaker phone.

Superman – Lex, it’s Superman.

Lex – Hello, Superman. I’m here with the latest members of the Legion of Doom. Rod Blagojevich, Michel Milken, and Bernard Kerik.

Superman – That’s what I figured. Lex, those are just rich, white guy crooks with rich, white friends. President Trump is sending the message to his cronies that they can do whatever they want, and he’ll get them out of prison. 

Lex – So, you called to recommend them. That’s very nice of you.  

Superman – Lex, you might want to turn on Fox News. The president is talking about them. And you.

(Superman hangs up.)

Lex – Very well. 

(Lex presses a button on the table. A large screen showing Fox News descends from the ceiling. President Trump is talking to reporters before getting on a helicopter.)

Trump – I hear they’re all talking to Lex Luthor about getting jobs. Look, these guys have had a rough time. They need to make money to feed their families and their staffs’ families. I hear he’s a nice guy. I heard he was a good president. Not as good as me. Better than Obama. I don’t know what he’s going to have them do. You’ll have to ask Lex Luthor if he’s going to have them do illegal things. China, Ukraine, and New Krypton should really look into Lex Luthor. I would. 

Lex – That does it. We’re going to fire up the time machine and go to November 9, 2016 and make Hilary Clinton president.

Rod – Yay! My hair!