Three Months in One Letter
Tani,
Writing to you on the morning you have passed away.
I am sitting with a student. We are working on a writing project for a book he has not read. My first day at a new job as a tutor. We are behind, but I am channeling your mantra: “surrender attachment to expectations” especially if it means acknowledging the degree to which I’ll be able to help here is not as high as originally hoped. A relief, actually.
Anyway, Tom told about how you were cleansed and resting. Washed and relaxed. Calm at the end. That you said goodbye before Christmas…
I don’t know what that means for him. Although you and I know he will be fine… I had a thought that I would have to see our mutual “friend” Mike from Chicago at your wake and that it would be awkward, but now I know that won’t happen…
I’ll never see you again, though. The creamy clouds hang over the mountains and I wonder if you are there. Far away from here. From Eddie the bird and Chow the cat and the ranch-style house in a neighborhood not far at all from mine. Somewhere seeing Mom and Dad again. Doing all those things a new spirit can do. Gaining love as you are letting go. Your timing always was pretty good.
—
Three days after NYE I was still drinking champagne. My fault the bottle I’d purchased was too big for two. Two who included one who didn’t care much for wine or the bubbly except on just one occasion…
Working, but still broke. Managed to stop at the Indian grocery up the street for the first time to pick up a fresh batch of incense and some eclectic frozen dinners. The half-hour bike ride back home in the dark a little nerve-wracking, but that’s my fault. In a few days I’ll have my dry-rotted front tire replaced and the nice men at the shop will adjust my breaks.
All in all not too unpleasant. Straight downhill and with lots of lights after all.
The three’s come back. Three groups of students at the tutoring center this afternoon came in batches of three. The first a lovely group of ESL young lady students from Korea who we will see for only one month. I think I will bring them stationery for letter writing, to themselves and to others.
The second, a wild crowd brimming with questions for homework help, required readings and much squirming and snacks.
I took my computer in and didn’t even get a chance to open it.
Met one of the new helpers at the desk, and left wondering how I’m going to stay on top of prep for these “classes” and how to balance working with three grade levels at one time.
More acquaintance with the materials and equipment at hand should help of course. I am not a teacher, but I could get close to being one in due time.
—
After I get back from a short trip, Tom tells me he spent our shared birthday day going to visit you in Boulder City. Then gambling with a ten-spot he found in your purse. Leaving after he was up 4 bucks and one cocktail. That’s not a half-bad way to spend a Wednesday.
I know you are happy in your new patch of wherever.
It hasn’t been long, but it has been too long…
The twenties are here, and so am I, for the forseeable. I refuse to not live in the real future and here it is: burdened with wild and new, tearing holes in its own familiar. Impressing me, stressing me, showing me and woah-ing me. I turn no dim eye to the bright lights.
Wish me continued luck.
All my love to you.
-Dana