The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Official White House Response to the Caronavirus
COVID-19 wants you to know that it is a threat and it looks like a bad ass.
The So White It Hurts White House
The Oval Office
11:30am February 26, 2020
Attendance: President Donald J. Trump, Kellyanne Conway,
Mick Mulvaney
Trump – Well, the Fake News has really blown this flu thing out of control. The democrats are trying to make it my Caterina.
Mick – Katrina?
Trump – Yes. Caterina.
Kellyanne – I think you have done a great job assuring our nation, Mr. President, that America is all right.
Trump – We are all right. It’s just the flu. Flu season’s over when spring arrives. Everyone will be all right if they live til April.
Mick – I think people will feel better if you were able to give them actionable things they can do to protect themselves.
Trump – People want to protect themselves? Invest in Wall Street. Buy stock. Buy stock in Trump properties. That will be the first thing we tell them.
Mick – Well…
Kellyanne – Not all your supporters buy stocks.
Trump – Well, that’s their fault. They should buy stocks.
Mick – Okayee…I’ll put that on the list. What else?
Trump – What else? I don’t know. What do you two do at home when someone in your family has a cold? I just stay somewhere else until they’re better.
Kellyanne – When my husband gets the flu, we just don’t go near one another. Actually, that’s what we do anyway. And neither of us ever gets the flu, so it works.
Trump - Tell people to stay at a Trump Hotel if a family member gets sick. But don’t stay at one if you are sick. Those people get escorted out into the alley.
Mick – Okay. Wall Street. No touching.
Trump - Let’s get that vaccine out.
Mick – The vaccine is about two years away from being ready.
Trump – Who’s in charge of that? Obama? Did Obama do that? He should be impeached.
Mick – I think that’s just how long something like this takes.
Trump – I told people we were close to having a vaccine.
Mick – Well, we’re closer than if it were three or four years away. We’re closer than ever before.
Trump – We’re closer than ever before. I like that.
Kellyanne – I think we should also have people who come down with COVID-19 sign NDAs.
Trump – Great idea. We don’t want them talking to the press or saying Trump didn’t do a better job to keep them from getting sick. Or that I tried to sleep with t hem. What’s COVID-19?
Kellyanne – It’s the official name of the corona virus.
Trump – The what?
Kellyanne – The caronavirus.
Trump – That name’s better. Okay. I think we’re ready to announce our action plan about the caronavirus. Everything’s fine. Stay away from sick people. The vaccine is coming. Oh. This thing is air born, right? I think we should also take all those cancer-causing windmills along the coasts and borders and point them out toward the oceans and Canada and Mexico.
Kellyanne – A brilliant idea, Sir.
Mick – We should also find someone to be the Coronavirus Czar. I have a few names-
Trump – Jared’s going to do it. I already talked to him. He’s been doing a great job on everything else.
Mick - People might ask about his qualifications.
Trump – He read a book.
The book Jared read.