by Joe Janes

The So-White-It-May-As-Well-Wear-A-Hood House

The Oval Office

Monday, February 3, 2020            1pm

Attendance: Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, Mick Mulvaney

Trump – Okay. I have the State of the Union address coming up. I don’t want to give a boring old speech like other presidents. Like Obama. I want to put on a show that really lets everyone know how grateful everyone is to Donald Trump. And I want big ratings. What do you think about cheerleaders?

Kellyanne – Well, Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell are two of your biggest cheerleaders. We can see if they’ll wave pom-poms during your speech.

Trump – I like it. I was thinking of something sexier, but I do like that. You know what got really good press for me that one time? When I gave Elvis Presley that Presidential Medal thingie. I’m disappointed he didn’t show up, but everyone seemed in favor of it. 

Mick – You also gave one to Miriam Adelson. 

Trump – Of course, I did. Her husband is one of my biggest donors. Have to keep the rich people who give Trump money happy. Maybe I should give it to Ivanka. That would be a nice way to boost the Trump brand. Or I give it to me.

Mick – Well, no president has ever done that.

Kellyanne – No one fights harder for freedom than you, Sir. 

Trump – That’s what I always say.

Kellyanne – I know. 

Mick – I’m a little worried that if you give it to anyone named Trump, well, that might just be more ammo for attacks from liberals. 

Trump – Could be. Could be. We want to own the liberals. I want my State of the Union speech to melt all the snowflakes across America, like if climate change were a real thing. Who should it be then? Anyone hot? Anyone in the news?

Kellyanne – Did you hear about poor Rush Limbaugh? He has stage four lung cancer. That might make a good recipient.

Trump – No one has ever given a medal to stage four lung cancer. That’s a good idea.

Kellyanne – I was thinking maybe give it to Rush. He likes you. Your supporters also like Rush. People feel bad he’s dying.

Trump – Oh, that is something. Rush is a winner, like me, and he hates losers, like me. The radical left socialist democrats will go crazys. We can do it during the State of the Union when everyone is watching on TV. Before we make it official, what could be a better choice than Rush Limbaugh?

Kellyanne – That guy who shot an endangered animal when he was trophy hunting.

Trump – My son? We said no Trumps. 

Mick – That bishop who hid his all those sex abuse scandals.

Trump – Meh. Let God sort them out. 

Kellyanne – That school shooter who was a Second Amendment fanatic. 

Trump – Too many to choose from.

Mick – That soccer team who had to resort to cannibalism to survive after a plane crash.

Trump – I’d eat a me burger. Wouldn’t you eat a me burger? If it’s cooked well done? I wouldn’t eat a you burger, but I think I’d eat a me burger. If there was no McDonald’s. 

Kellyanne – That reminds me of something worse. Crawling into bed and discovering your cat puked or pooped under the covers.

Mick – Or slicing jalapenos and then touching your genitals when you go to the bathroom.

Trump – All horrible, except for the me burger. Let’s give it to Rush. He’ll look better on camera. 

Mick & Kellyanne – To Rush!