by Joe Janes

 Breaking from our usual format, we at Minutes Headquarters thought it would be in the best interest of the nation to post these important guidelines during this pandemic. Stay Safe. Stay Healthy.

The President’s Guidelines for America

-       If you feel sick, work through it or take time off and tell people you are working harder than anyone in the history of hard work.

-       If your children are sick, let their mother take care of them.

-       If you have come in contact with the Chinese Virus, have your lawyer offer it money to stay quiet about it.

-       Stock up on Diet Coke. 

-       Brag about how smart you are. 

-       Golf and stay at Trump properties frequently. 

-       Do not touch my face.

-       Stay in your room and watch Fox News.

-       Practice social distancing by tweeting from your bathroom alone.

-       Get your fast food delivered or have Secret Service pick it up from the drive thru.

-       Do not take responsibility. Blame the Chinese. Blame Obama. Blame Hillary. Blame Democrats.

-       Pay other people to take tests for you.

-       Invest in the stock market.

-       Support local businesses like Boeing.

-       Relax. Everything will be fine. Just let it happen. 

-       It will disappear when it gets warmer and we rake the hospital floors.

-       Be thankful for Donald Trump’s quick and decisive actions to prevent the spread of this liberal hoax.