By Joe Janes

 

Dr. Trump’s Office

12:30pm   Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Attendance: Dr. Trump, Sam

(Sam stands in the middle of an empty room. Dr. Trump enters.)

Dr. Trump – Are you Sam? Nice to meet you. (Reaches out his hand.) C’mon. I’m a handshaker. 

Sam – Should we be shaking hands?

Dr. Trump – Trust me. I’m wearing a lab coat. 

Sam – Okay.

(They shake hands. Dr. Trump pulls him in close.)

Dr. Trump – How are you today? I’m great, by the way. Just great. The country’s great. The Dow is up. One of the biggest gains in the history of history. No need to tell me how you are doing. You’re fine. I say so.

(Sam pulls away from Trump.)

Sam – Well, I think I may have been exposed to the Coronavirus. My neighbor just got back from Spring Break and had a Coronavirus party in his apartment last night. Then this morning he coughed on me in the hallway on his way to church.

Dr. Trump – Hold your breath for ten seconds.

Sam – Okay…? (Sam takes in a breath.)

Dr. Trump – That’s good enough. You’re fine.

Sam – You’re not going to give me a test?

Dr. Trump – Tests are like, you know, they’re medical tests. Very unpleasant.

Sam – Do you not have any tests?

Dr. Trump – I have millions of them, and they are perfect. All perfect. Just like the phone call. Perfect.

Sam – Then maybe you should give me a test just to be sure.

Dr. Trump – Are you rich or famous? Then, no. Look, if you do have it, it’s just the flu. You’ll get it, feel bad for a few days, and then feel better. It will go away. Like a miracle. Or you’ll die. But that’s mostly old people. What you really should do is go back to work. 

Sam – But what if I do have it? I’ll risk getting everyone else sick.

Dr. Trump – What do you do for a living?

Sam – I teach aqua aerobics in a swimming pool at a senior citizen retirement home. 

Dr. Trump – Sounds like an essential worker to me. Your country’s economy needs you. Look, if you start to have symptoms, there’s some things you can do. Drink lots of scalding hot water. Put a hair dryer on high heat and blow it up your nose for ten minutes. Take some malaria drugs like chloroquine phosphate. You’ll feel right as rain in no time. At least by Easter. 

Sam – Okay. Can you go ahead and write me a prescription for that?

Dr. Trump – I could, except I am not a doctor. 

Sam – Then why are you telling people what to do about the virus?

Dr. Trump – My uncle taught at MIT. He was a brilliant genius. Taught nuclear stuff, I think. Plus. doctors tell me I’m a natural at this sort of thing. 

Sam – I think I’m just going to go home and isolate myself from others, especially you.

Dr. Trump – I may not be a real doctor, but I still bill like one. See you in church! Or court!