By Ben Auxier

This story was originally written for BUGHOUSE! #41 in Chicago. The topic was The Better Drug: Booze or Weed. It was debated between Ben Auxier and Brett Dworski. Auxier won the debate and was chosen as the audience’s favorite debater of the night.

Human beings began creating fermented beverages some twenty thousand years ago. Alcohol has been a staple of the economies and cultures of every civilization since the advent of agriculture. It is, in part, why we are here.

Today there are six hundred bottles of alcohol for every human being on earth, which means that statistically, you... are beer? I don’t know how statistics work.

Now, is any of that accurate? I don’t know. I ran out of time today and didn’t look it up. But by the end of my time here, I will convince you that booze is far superior to its slacker cousin weed.

To get us started, I’d like to propose a drinking game. Every time you think I make a good point, take a drink. Every time you think I make a bad point, take two drinks, and you’ll start to realize I was right all along.

Alcohol is more important than weed

Alcohol is more important to us as a society. And if you don’t believe me, consider this. A hundred years ago we in America outlawed booze for like five minutes and descended into chaos immediately. It was so bad that we repealed the amendment within just a few years. Do you realize what kind of national cooperation it takes to repeal an amendment? Right now we’re sending our kids to school in Kevlar khakis and we still can’t do dick about the Second Amendment because your uncle on Facebook is still pretty sure Obama’s coming for his truck or whatever, but in 1920, somebody took away the beer for a second, and we as a turbulent and divisive nation, came together and said “Whatever it takes, whatever the cost, shoulder to shoulder, I am your brother: BRING. BACK. THE BOOZE!”

We had chaos in the decade or so that alcohol was illegal. On the other hand, weed has been illegal across the board until like, yesterday, and nobody’s raised a stink. Except for the people smoking it. Which brings me to my next point:

Weed smells like a carton of cigarettes made sweaty love to a dance major and it’s time we all talked about it

Look, I know that a conversation with a dude who smells like whiskey isn’t the most pleasant thing, but generally speaking, the stink radius is limited to like, a little ways beyond my beard. By contrast, if someone in the same school district as me decides to light up some Super Skunk, suddenly I’m getting fumigated out of my third floor apartment. I’m not close enough to get the courtesy of a contact high, but at least now all my stuff reeks and my eyes hurt. Thanks, man.

The smell of weed is referred to as “skunky,” by the people who love it. Skunky. The best, most flattering descriptor even the potheads could come up with was “You know that smell that those stripy rat-badgers blow out of their asses as a warning to all living things to stay as far away as possible? This. Smells. Like. That. You want some? For your mouth? Come on.”

The dangers of weed

And look, I don’t want to sound like a D.A.R.E. special up here, but there are some real dangers to weed. And marijuana advocates might say, “But Ben ‘alcohol kills eighty-eight thousand Americans per year,” and “It’s the third most common preventable cause of death,” and “It’s responsible for 31 percent of fatal traffic accidents with around ten thousand annually,” to which I say:

How can we trust the math of someone who’s that high?

But the dangers of weed are far more subtle and insidious. Weed robs the youth of their drive and ambition. It’s given careers to countless brutal cartels and also Seth Rogan, and at some point it’s made us all feel deeply paranoid. Which brings me to my next point:

With booze, you know what you’re getting

Booze is booze. Unless you’re fifteen, you don’t dive into drinking without knowing what to expect. For me, one drink and I feel nice, two and I’m relaxed, three I’m buzzin’, four I’m tipsy, and after that the probability that I’ll start singing Jesus Christ Superstar goes up by 20 percent per drink. It’s simple. It’s predictable.

Cannabis, on the other hand? Imagine this scenario. You’re at a buddy’s house and he offers you an edible. A little cookie. The cookie is gone in a couple of bites. Thirty minutes from now, will you a) feel a little more relaxed, b) start giggling manically, c) lose all ability to move your limbs, or d) be hiding in the bathtub because you’re pretty sure the cat is angry with you.

You have NO. IDEA.

Every time I tell my stoner friends I don’t want to smoke because weed can make me anxious, they always insist it’s all about picking the right strain, but when you ask them what they’re smoking, they know as much about it as they do the breed of their weird dog. Like “Yeah, it’s kind of a hybrid, indica... labradoodle.. sativa settler... husky mix.” You don’t know. I don’t know. And I don’t want to risk it.

In conclusion

My time is running short. There are many points I haven’t had a chance to fully dive into. For instance:

• Alcoholic drinks can actually taste good.

• There are no idiots running around claiming vodka cures cancer.

• Even though weed is now widely legalized, you’re all still buying from your dealers and not paying sales tax; I’m building schools and bridges and shit with my self-destructive habit, what are you doing?

But at the end of the day, we need only recognize this: these are substances that alter our brain chemistry. And in so doing, they tell us things. They are voices. And what those voices say matters.

Weed tells us that we are all eloquent philosophers.

We are not.

It tells us that we are creative geniuses.

We are not.

It tell us that Rick and Morty is compelling television.

But what does alcohol tell us?

It tells us that we can dance.

And we can.

It tells us that we are sexy.

And we are.

It tells us the people around us are sexy

And they are!

It tells us that we can have the courage to live life boldly, ask for what we want, and that if we do, the hangover will be worth it.

And by golly, it will.

So raise a booze with me, to glass.