By David Himmel

People are dumb, not lazy. People like to work. It gives them a sense of purpose beyond slaving to their children and kowtowing to their spouses. People also love money, which proves to be the biggest driver for their desire to work. So it makes perfect sense that we all want the economy to not perish and for our jobs to be available for us to go to and pay us. But is going to work worth the risk of being infected or affecting others with the deadly coronavirus called COVID-19?

Of course not.

Because when you get sick or get others sick—when this highly contagious, still mysterious, undeniably deadly disease races through the strip malls and hotels, restaurants, and resorts, we’ll all be sick and dying, and unable to go to work or spend our money anyway. That, obviously, will cause the economy to shut down to a greater degree and for far longer than the five or so weeks we’ve been unable to get a haircut, a massage, or our daily Venti Dirty Mocha Frap Ass Expander from the corner Starbucks. Because—get this—the dead can’t shop.

The Cabinet of Clowns

• Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman

• Georgia Governor Brian Kemp

• Every Confederate flag-waving Michiganer who protested with guns and ammo and armor on the steps of the capitol and the big money that had them do so

The stay-at-home orders aren’t infringing on anyone’s freedoms; they’re protecting the public. Just like pollution control, and sometimes unions. It’s not like the orders tell us to stay inside and only watch a certain number of hours of Netflix or that you must shower twice a day and brush your teeth at least as many times or that you can’t brew coffee. Orders like that would certainly be infringing on personal freedoms. How is it that we’re even having this discussion? Or this debate?

The more committed we are to keeping mostly to ourselves right now, the sooner we can all get out there and start having brunch again in an economy that hopefully looks and feels quite different and is much safer. Scientists need time to better understand this thing and get a treatment and/or prevention up and running. We must do the hard work now in our ratty old sweatshirts made mostly of crumbs and our unmanicured toes so that we don’t miss the entire summer and dive right back into a pandemic come October.

This isn’t that hard. Our grandparents got through the Great Depression and World War II. Think of those iconic images for the suffering and sacrifice. Now think of the photos our grandkids will see of us during this challenging and sacrificial time? Got it? How does the image of Iwo Jima compare to you sitting in spaghetti sauce-stained sweatpants farting on your couch? It’s easy to be a hero today. Just do it. The only risk you put yourself in by being a hero during the COVID-19 pandemic is embarrassing yourself in front of your kids and spouse when you shart too aggressively during another Family Puzzle Night.

Comedian Patton Oswalt said it best:

This isn’t a conspiracy.
COVID-19 was not concocted in a Chinese lab.
President Trump is not a good leader.

To think the above is to align yourself with the aforementioned Cabinet of Clowns.

And, hey, if this disease only affected the clowns, the fools, we’d all be calling for the economy to open up. We’d be right there with Mayor Goodman. Yes! Fill up those casinos! Krissy in Michigan could go back to spending her Saturday afternoons getting drunk at The Tilted Kilt. Burning Man would happen. We could crowd anywhere and everywhere because the intelligent among us would be immune and the dumb would be too stupid to know better.

Wouldn’t that be something? If COVID-19 were a divine plague like the ten popularized by Cecil B. DeMille, we’d applaud the lord’s work. “Take them! Take them, Lord! Snuff them out like you did with the Flood and those pesky Egyptian slave owners! Take the Mayor Goodmans and the President Trumps and the Governor Kemps and that woman hanging out of her car window like a white trash scrub. But, above all, dear Lord Almighty, take the Instagram influencers.“

If it was this mound of morons who were laid waste by COVID-19, then yes, I think we’d all be fine with opening up the economy.

Apparently, we all have our own coronavirus wishes and our genocidal dreams.