If I Die in Hospice
In the instance where my life does not end
Me out there sailing through a sudden squall or
failing to outrun the authorities after a good-natured display of public violence
If I happen to fall victim of illness or extreme age
And die under the care of hospice,
A few things must occur
Lest I haunt this overheated watery rock for eternity
Play the hits.
Not theirs. Mine.
You know the ones.
You know the records.
You’ve heard them
You’ve talked with me about them.
Play them loud.
Place me in the sun.
Doesn’t matter if you throw back all the curtains or
Roll the hospice bed onto the lawn.
Blanket me in sunshine.
In fact, yes…
Roll that bed and my withering body onto the lawn.
Even a dying man needs his vitamin D.
And I can finally, once again, bask in the sun
With confidence that skin cancer doesn’t matter.
But if it’s bitterly cold?
Well, if it’s bitterly cold where I’m dying
We’ve made some terrible mistakes.
So shoot me.
End the pain.
Then shoot yourself.
When the time comes
When the breathing gets labored
When the morphine naps get longer
Place my frail, naked body into a hot bath.
108ºF should do it.
Fill the tub with bubble soap—the sweet, girly-smelling stuff.
Let me steep.
Then massage my scalp
With that scalp massager I love so much.
The one my bother got from Walgreens
And gifted me at Christmas way back when.
Go at it at various speeds and directions.
Don’t get caught in a pattern.
Surprise me.
Keep life interesting and comforting.
We’re almost done.
And when I’ve finally taken that last breath
When my pain-riddled body relaxes before going stiff
Let it fold into the hot, bubbly bath water.
Let it go under and stay there.
Give my corpse as much warmth as possible
Before it has to be forever cold.
Speaking of cold…
Before the water gets cool
But after it’s comforted my husk
Drain the tub.
Only after all the water has sunk into the pipes
Can you allow anyone—you, the coroner, the kids—
To lift me out and carry me off
To adventure into the Great Unknown
That begins inside of a zipped up body bag.
