By An Anonymous Hare

Come gather round, little children. Let Mama Bear tell you a story.

This story is about a bunny and a hare. You’d think I’d just say it is about two bunnies, or two hares, but it isn’t. A bunny and a hare are very different from one another. Especially these particular characters.

Once upon a time, Bunny and Hare, through circumstances not of their doing, were brought together in a way that seemed Fate wanted them to be friends. Usually when this happens, two creatures become life-long pals that make others use the hashtag #SquadGoals. But this time, Fate had imbibed one too many Cosmic Cosmos and Bunny and Hare were anything but a friendship written in the stars.

For starters, Bunny was not the kind of woodland creature Hare would normally enjoy being around. Bunny was small and twitchy. Bunny had nearly 1,000 baby bunnies but was so preoccupied making more baby bunnies she didn’t spend any time nurturing the ones she’d already birthed.

But Bunny seemed harmless. She wasn’t malicious, and when Hare took time to look closer, she saw that Bunny wasn’t a terrible mother on purpose. She just didn’t think about things, and Hare wasn’t going to look down on someone just because they lacked intelligence. After all, she knew she wasn’t the smartest hare in the woods either.

So, slowly, Hare allowed the Hands of Fate to push Bunny further into her life. She went over to Bunny’s den more and more often. She discovered with great pleasure that they both enjoyed many similar things. Plus, Bunny was a great hostess and always made sure Hare felt at home in the den.

Hare began to feel warm in her furry heart. Perhaps she had begun this friendship reluctantly, but now she looked forward to seeing Bunny. Even though Bunny was not a great listener, even though Bunny believed in things that set Hare’s teeth on edge. It was nice to have a friend. And Hare didn’t have many friends at all.

A pattern began to form that Hare wished deeply to ignore. Though she went to Bunny’s den often, Bunny never came to visit Hare in her hedgerow. And when Hare was at Bunny’s den, she was… well, put to work.

At first, she just thought they were doing crafts together, but if she actually thought about it, Bunny was making Hare do all her bitch work she did not want to do. Bunny would pointedly ask Hare over to help ‘decorate for a party’ and proceed to make Hare lift heavy rocks and place them in different areas around the den. Hare knew she was bigger and stronger than small, twitchy Bunny, but it wasn’t very nice to be stuck outside in the summer heat sweating her furry tits off while Bunny stood in the shade barking orders with a carrot hanging out of her mouth.

The final straw was when Bunny asked Hare over for one of her favorite activities, decorating for the Solstice. Hare was invited to the den to decorate, and was promised that afterwards they would enjoy sweet drinks and snacks. Now this was what Hare had been waiting for all along. Real friendship.

Excited, Hare arrived to decorate. It was a hot day, even this late in the year, but that would not dampen the Solstice spirit. Bunny had many new decorations for her den. She told Hare where she wanted everything placed. The more she talked, the more Hare realized she had only been invited for work. Her suspicions were confirmed when Bunny asked her to drag a very heavy decorative boulder from the back of the den to the front of the den.

“But it is very heavy.” Hare protested.

“Yes, that is why I need you, dear friend, to help.” Bunny replied sweetly.

“And it is very hot outside.” said Hare.

Bunny nodded and promised delicious drinks after. So, Hare obliged. Maybe friendship was hard like this. How would she really know? But three hours of work in the hot yard did not kindle love in Hare’s heart. Instead, the sun went down and it was time to get back to her hedgerow without a single drink or snack.

Hot, tired, and disappointed, Hare returned home in deep thought. The next day, Hare logged on to FaceWoods and saw that Bunny was out with some other woodland creatures having fun. No work, no chores, just fun.

Hare had read a lot about what it meant to have toxic relationships with others. She had phased her own sister out of her life because of her selfishness. Hare reflected on the way Bunny treated her. How Bunny only asked her to come to her den for bitch work. How Bunny did not give a shit about Hare’s interests or opinions. Hare tried to remember what exactly made her want to give Bunny the time of day to begin with?

Hare realized she fucking hated Bunny.

Selfish, thoughtless Bunny. Dumb, mean-spirited Bunny.

Scorned, angry, and- truthfully- hurt, Hare decided to get even. So, Hare went out to the nearest beehive and asked the Queen for a favor. The Queen listened to her story and agreed that justice should be served. Fate be damned.

The Queen donated an entire jar of honey for Hare’s cause. Then all Hare had to do was wait until Solstice night, when the moon was round and all the woodland creatures would be drunk, celebrating their upcoming hibernation.

Solstice proved to be eventful, indeed. Bunny had called all the woodland creatures to her den for merriment. She had, naturally, told Hare to buy and serve expensive beverages for everyone. But Hare was going to bring something much more memorable than booze.

Midnight found the creatures dancing and laughing beneath the full moon. The air was cool and crisp, a breeze played lightly through the drying leaves. Hare hung around the edges of the trees, busy in her own work. She dropped globs of honey here, there, and everywhere. She trailed the honey into the den when no one was looking. Then she let the autumn breeze do the rest.

A mile away, Hungry Bear was doing some late-night foraging. It was to be a long, cold winter, and Hungry Bear would do whatever it took to be comfortable in his cave. Hungry Bear had his nose in a tree hollow when he took the first whiff of honey. He pointed west, following the wind. Honey would be perfect for his needs.

Hungry Bear’s stomach rumbled greedily. He began to run. A full-fledged bear-run toward the Solstice party. He broke through the trees with no preamble, a black monstrosity aglow with moonlight and need.

Hare hung back in the distance and listened to the screams of the woodland creatures as Hungry Bear did what Hungry Bears do. And from then on Hare had learned a valuable lesson. She learned to never let anyone, not even a small little twitchy bunny, use her as a doormat.

So, children, remember, if Fate pushes someone in your life who doesn’t treat you right, you should turn that person into bear shit.