by Don Hall

On April 17, 2011, I watched the first episode of the first season of HBO’s Game of Thrones. I immediately loved it like so many others. I was so happy to see Sean Bean as another epic hero in a Lord of the Rings sort of drama. Before the second episode, a friend of mine let me know she had read the first book and that Ned Stark is beheaded shortly after.

“Fuck that!” I thought. “That’s some bait and switch bullshit.”

Despite the overwhelming pop-culture gravitas the next eight or so years held, I ignored the show from that point on. Sometime during Season Five, I decided that I’d wait until the goddamned thing was done and then I’d watch all of it in one fell swoop.

Thank you, COVID quarantine.

I’m not one of those DON’T SPOIL IT assholes unless it just opened, so I knew a number of things going in. Of course, that Ned Stark would get his head lopped off. I knew that there was something called The Red Wedding and all hell had broken loose after but didn’t know whose wedding it was or who got axed. I knew about Cersei’s walk of atonement but not the circumstances. I read some squawk about Arya finally getting laid and I knew that the finale disappointed, well, everyone. 

I also had heard that Daenerys dragon-flamed thousands in a bloodthirsty move, John Snow killed her, and that Brandon Stark was made the king at the end (all making long-time fans Twitter-furious).

I read that the show runners for the final season no longer had a book to adapt but an outline of possibilities from author George R.R. Martin and that there was a Starbucks cup present in Season 8, Episode 4.

Endings are hard. I recall really enjoying LOST during its six seasons. I loved the characters, the riddles, the labyrinth of theories about the island. I also have a sour taste in my mouth because I hated the conclusion. That failure to stick the landing tainted the entire six years of engaging and fun television.

I loved Spielberg’s AI: Artificial Intelligence but the last fifth of the film (the epilogue following the kid’s descent into the ocean staring at the statue of the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio) was both unnecessary and has made any repeated viewings uninteresting.

Stephen King is almost legendary for shitty endings to brilliant tales. The most notable is the creation of Pennywise the Serial Killing Clown. Easily on of the scariest villains ever penned only to reveal at the end that he is just a big fucking spider.

On the other hand, Six Feet Under, The Leftovers, and the most recent Watchmen all ended so well and I was so satisfied that they sit on a mental shelf of some of the best told stories I know.

Watching Season One of GoT and knowing the ending likely had me looking for clues. And the clues are there. Brandon Stark is the first significant character we see which indicates in some way that the whole thing is his story. Likewise, Daenerys shows us her impulsive anger and desire for power very early on. Throughout the series, both these aspects built a resume in my viewing that indicated the logic behind where it ended.

By Season Four, I realized that there are three things that define this sprawling storyline: a fixation on cocks (and the removal and absence of balls), broken vows and lies, and spectacular deaths. 

Lots of talk about testicles. Like almost ridiculous amount of time spent on so many characters without them. Ramsay Bolton cuts off Theon’s nuts and he became like a neutered puppy. Varys has a dude in a fucking crate he keeps as revenge for lopping his grape nuts off. Grey Worm, while often badass, still spends an awful lot of screen time either reminding us or him being reminded that he is a Ken Doll in the crotch.

Add to that the nearly non-stop cock bragging by Bronn, Tyrian (a dwarf in size but, oh, the size of his Johnson!), the mysterious primacy of Podrick’s magic man meat. Yeah, George had a fixation on dick and sack.

I could be wrong but the only character among hundreds who never told a lie or broke a promise was John Snow, right? I mean it was fucking 76 hours, so I may have missed it but it was almost a guarantee that no one in this series could be trusted ever.

By Season Six, if Martin were trying convey some sort of overarching message it was not that power corrupts but those who pursue power are corrupted by the pursuit. The only truly decent characters in the entire cast of hundreds are the ones who do not want to be in power. Ned Stark doesn’t want to be Hand of Robert Baratheon. John Snow has less than no interest to be Lord Commander, King in the North, or Occupant of the Iron Throne. Tyrian Lannister enjoys power but rarely seeks it. Arya Stark isn’t invested in acquiring power but instead skill to avenge injustice. Jorah Mormont only wants to serve a Queen he loves and is inspired by. 

Back to the spectacular deaths.

The best Death by Dragon Fire was the first, Kraznys mo Nakloz, the slave trader who sold the Unsullied to Daenerys.

Sansa Stark feeding Ramsay Bolton to his own dogs was well-deserved (he was maybe the only truly irredeemable character in eight seasons) and satisfying. I never liked Sansa but her double-tap with Arya killing Littlefinger was just exactly right.

Lyanna Mormont dying by being crushed by an undead giant just as she stabs it in the single blue eye was rad.

Oberyn Martell getting his eyes gouged and his skull crushed by The Mountain after one of the best single combat scenes in the series was awesome.

Tyrian capping his dad while Tywin is dropping a deuce wasn’t spectacular but was somehow perfectly fitting.

In my view, the best death was Arya’s assassination of Ser Meryn Trant. Gruesome, well deserved, and by the exact right means and by the right character. 

Arya Stark was, hands down, my favorite character in the entire thing. Her journey to Bravos and subsequent training and then what she did with that training was righteous. Tyrian was also a favorite and Peter Dinklage carried so much of this series it’s difficult to imagine any of it working without that specific actor playing that specific character. Third on this list was Bronn. Plain-spoken, always true to his nature, funny, and surprisingly honest in intent, Bronn felt like the audience stand-in in this world of royals, religious fanatics, and soldiers.

Also, I’ve been seeing cinematic dragons since I was a kid and these dragons were what I think real dragons would look like.

I understand the need for so many to want there to be messages of import from such a pop culture behemoth but I’m not so sure Martin was going for any of that. Aside from the idea that the act of pursuing power is the true corruption, any über-ideas were like the best characters — set up for our enjoyment only to be axed as soon as we fell in love with them.

The feminist message seemed to be that women are perfectly capable of being in charge and just as capable to be fuck ups and despots as well. The whole Bernie Sanders-ishness of Daenerys freeing all the slaves would be quite progressive except that, once freed, all her slaves tended to serve her, die for her, or kill for her. In fact, the two most prominent freed slaves — Grey Worm and Missandei — served virtually no distinguishing purpose in the storyline.

I read some pissing and moaning about the only two black characters in eight seasons either being killed off or becoming the tool of fascism and I’d be more distraught but Missandei was a cardboard cut-out of a character and Grey Worm was simply a follower. Not a lot on diversity in Westeros, you know?

But let’s look at that fucking ending.

If I were to throw out a recommendation to anyone thinking to watch the series for the first time, I’d say STOP AFTER “THE LONG NIGHT” AND GO NO FURTHER! First, the epic battle to defeat the Night King is a fucking ride and definitive. Season One, Episode One: “Winter is coming.” Season Eight, Episode Three: “Winter came and we kicked its ass.” Done. Finished. Second, after saving the world from the undead and the creepy snow god on his undead snow dragon (was that blue fire hot? Cold?) who gives a flying fuck about the Iron Goddamned Throne?

Sure you’d miss the fight between The Hound and The Mountain but after eight seasons of build up, that battle royale was pretty much just a brawl, devoid of the emotional pay off expected. You’d miss Daenerys burning the Red Keep and thousands of innocent women and children (which is some spectacular filmmaking and completely in character for her despite your need for her to rise above her obvious and oft-stated lust for power and vengeance). 

You’d also miss the two biggest missteps in the series: the deaths of both bloodthirsty Queens. Which ain’t much to miss because spending 76 hours of Cersei connive, betray, napalm hundreds in a church, fuck her brother, try to kill her other brother, lose her children, and become one of pop culture’s most indelible villains, she dies by getting rubble dropped on her. WTF? Are you kidding me? Not even a callback to the first episode and drop her out of window?

And, while I felt the transition from Mother of Dragons to Pol Pot was rushed, I bought that Daenerys let the rush of power seize her. But a character so larger than life, so imbued with destiny, dies by getting stabbed in the gut? WTF? Even her shitty brother got a molten gold crown.

In a series defined in some ways by creative and satisfying deaths, to punt the demise of two of the most interesting and central characters just blows.

The internet is filled with die-hard fans playing coulda/woulda/shoulda with the ending of Game of Thrones but that changes nothing. We are stuck with the ending we are given. 

I thoroughly enjoyed the world of Westeros. Like a book I’m thrilled to read, I feel a little wanting for more after the final page and I’m still hearing that goddamned catchy theme song in my head. I choose to pretend I never saw the final three episodes. I choose to end the series with the defeat of the Night King because once you save the world, who gives a fuck about almost anything else?