by Joe Janes

An Evening of Online Romance

Tuesday, May 27, 2020 7:00pm

A Google Hangout

Attendance: Joe, Rachel (not her real name, apparently)

(Computer camera up on Joe trying to look his sexy best. Glass of wine. Soft non-royalty music.)

JOE - Hello…I’m Joe…It’s lovely to meet you almost in person…I think it’s important in these trying times that one still sets the proper mood for a date….Soft lighting…some royalty-free music…some wine…Shall I pour?...I drew you a rose on my dry erase board…Your eyes look lovely in this particular screen resolution…Oh, please…You look divine…I understand you haven’t had a haircut in months…Are those binder clips? Very clever… Nonsense, you know, the camera adds ten pounds to your face…Right around your jowls…

Your apartment looks clean, are you rich or something?...This pandemic lockdown thing hasn’t been too disruptive…I was already wearing an ankle monitor, so…In my spare time? I like to… sleep…Eat…I also eat…Food…And drink! Of course…

What do I miss the most about the pre-pandemic world? For me, I miss the little things… smiling at a stranger on the street…Lightly brushing up against someone at a crowded buffet…buying a donut and not worrying about it killing me more quickly than clogged arteries…The simple things…

Look, I’ll be honest with you, because I am an honest man who takes pride in how honest he is…Honestly, when I saw your profile picture and read your profile page…I was stricken…like a small stroke…the kind you easily recover from…some numbness…but I can still move my fingers and toes…My point is, I think it’s a good thing we are starting off online…If I were with you in person, sipping wine, talking about books and WI-FI and cleanliness…well, I don’t think anyone would blame me if things got out of hand…Oh, no…I didn’t mean that like some sexual threat…You’d be safe with me…You could be super drunk and I’d only touch you if it was completely necessary…and then, only in appropriate places…Maybe some inappropriate places, but just for leverage. Nonsexual gripping…like a gentleman…

You know, there are many great things about online dating….No rushing…We can really get to know one another before deciding that the desire to have sex is greater than the desire to avoid death…No need for a restraining order. I mean, social distancing. I don’t even know where you live, yet…

I guess the best thing about online dating is that I didn’t have to travel somewhere and meet you and think, “Oh, God, I’m stuck here for another hour or so with this troll.” …I didn’t have to waste time putting on pants or taking a shower…Drinking is way cheaper. It’s automatically Dutch treat. No arguing over the bill or how much I “tip” someone for doing something I could do myself. Get a real job, right?..…

And if we aren’t “vibing”, well, you don’t have to fake getting a text or not come back from the bathroom…You can just…Oh…I see…Well, I’m sorry to hear that your grandmother just suddenly came down with COVID-19…Yes. By all means, you should see if she is okay…Well, it was nice meeting you. We should do this again- Okay,  bye.

(Joe sniffs his arm pit. Takes a sip of wine. Stands up revealing shirt is buttoned only down to his protruding belly and he is not wearing pants. Blackout.)