By Don Hall

I may be an older white guy in America so my grasp on the new methods are a bit slow. I think I get the whole cancel culture thing now. 

Start by looking for anything and everything that indicates something has hurt the feelings or actually done harm in that thing’s history (same for people). I mean, really look. Spend so much time seeking out potential grievances that even basic history and a sense of proportion is completely obliterated by the bloodhound search for sexist or racist behavior.

It also helps to squash your sense of humor and critical thinking skills so thoroughly that you can only see the harm and none of the good. Ignoring time passed and lessons learned by the people you feel need cancelling is essential.

Here’s my list of things and people in need of cancelling:

Statues. Jesus, who cares? I love that the energy behind the George Floyd protests has effectively eliminated every single statue of the Confederacy. George Washington? Fine, he was the hero of the Revolutionary War and our first president but he had slave teeth so trash it. I’m in favor of cancelling all the statues!

Statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. in Washington, DC
MLK was brilliant, inspiring, and changed the world for the better but he fucked around on his wife and that is a misogynist use of power over younger women and a betrayal of his family. Cancel him.

Statue of Franklin Delano Roosevelt in DC
Same as MLK. He fucked around and interred thousands of Japanese-Americans, and was even wheelchair bound when he did it. Cancelled.

Mount Rushmore
Washington (slave teeth and slave owner), Thomas Jefferson (slave owner who cheated on his wife with a slave), Teddy Roosevelt (the ultimate imperialist colonizer), and Abe Lincoln (who wasn’t really into freeing the slaves but did to win the war that ended slavery). Who cares if these dudes did some good things along the way. Get some dynamite and blow the fucking thing to dust!

Mickey Mouse (as well as the statues of Walt Disney)
Disney was a racist, anti-Semite, and a Nazi sympathizer. Both he and the mouse he created need to go. In addition to the statues, let’s cancel all of the movies in the Disney catalogue (many are horribly sexist and racist) as well as both parks.

The Thinker in Paris
A naked dude thinking implying that only men think. And cock. Nice piece but it’s gotta go. I mean the Venus de Milo is an avatar of misogynist fantasy—don’t cancel her but give her some arms, for crying out loud (which is the exact definition of Twitter, btw)! 

People in need of cancellation:

Steven Spielberg
A white directing The Color Purple? Amistad? Cancel.

Tina Fey
Horribly racist toward Asians. Also wrote a bunch of blackface scenes in 30 Rock.

Tom Hanks
He was at a party with Jeffrey Epstein and starred in Bachelor Party! He also assumed the identity of a woman in his breakout television role Bosom Buddies.

Also:

Texas and Florida
From the Alamo to the 2000 Election, both these states have too much in their pasts to even consider keeping around.

Foot callouses 
Carb Hangovers 
Marketing as a career 
Anyone who is of a healthy weight 
Whole Foods
People who wear sports team branded clothing 
All of social media

This is fun! I think I understand it now!