Squaring the Circle: Tips on Managing the Chaos
“Goddamnit. How do you manage to cope with all of this...chaos in the world and still stay optimistic? I don’t think you’re stupid but maybe you’re just too stupid to see how bad things are getting.”
It’s true. Maybe I am stupid. I’ve certainly been called worse by both political extremes since...well...as long as I can remember. If I am stupid, I’m definitely too dense to recognize it. Managing chaos, living in uncertain times, is just that. Managing and living.
Back in 2015, Alice Kim and I were a dysfunctional couple. That relationship was a constant source of tension and did some damage to both of us. I did, however, learn many things from it and from her. One gift she gave me was the idea of reframing things to see a different angle. I have always been on the outside of things and perpetually looking for that contrarian point of view but that was as much about fueling conflict as it was about the frame.
As a theater artist, my work was inspired by DADAists and the legend of Andy Kaufman. Framing society as a series of ongoing behavioral experiments. Pushing buttons on people to see how they would react. Not so much instigating mean-spirited pranks but close enough to bear that definition.
Alice’s view was that one could gently shift the frame on a given situation. Reframe reality because, for most of us, reality is cemented in our perception of it.
2020 seems to be a real shitshow. Trump is still in office. A pandemic rages throughout the globe. Massive unemployment and the coming of our second Great Depression. A video of George Floyd being murdered by a police officer has been seen 800 million times by one million people. Protests for civil rights. Alt Right terrorists joining the protests to foment the idea that these protests are really riots. While in the back of the queue, we still contend with pending climate disaster, crumbling credibility on the World Stage, an almost maniacally conservative federal court system, and an increasingly powerful and poisonous cancel culture that now seems more like a raging wildfire consuming every and anyone who bothers to even question the orthodoxy of the Extreme Zealots of both White Supremacy and Critical Race Theory.
We’re fucked.
Reframe.
There is actually little evil in the world (if you choose to see things in the binary Good & Evil mode) but metric tons of stupidity and selfish interests. While brutal cops are a problem and the mostly accidental murders of citizens by police are motivated by incompetence driven by lived experience bias, the vast majority of people are merely focused on themselves without much thought put into how their actions affect others. Not evil but certainly fucking annoying.
That guy who parked in two spots isn’t evil, he’s a selfish asshat. The guy who makes a racist joke to make his Black co-workers laugh isn’t evil, he’s just a bigot but one trying to find a way into his 1970’s version of race relations in an increasingly fed up world.
Most people are motivated by what they perceive as good intentions despite their born-in tendency of stupidity and selfishness.
Further, simply looking at the history and progress the world has made gives us a macro-view of things. That more objective scene demonstrates that in the past fifty years we are living longer, healthier lives, literacy is at an all-time high, being gay is no longer stigmatizing in many cases, Black incarceration has declined dramatically, police killing people has declined dramatically, women are more empowered, run more businesses, and are increasingly being elected to public office.
Is there still suffering? Of course. Everyone (even the white people) suffers. The question to ask is not Who suffers more? which invites nothing more than an Olympiad of Victim Status but For what reason are people suffering? Nobody should be insulted, attacked, threatened, etc. but we live in a country of 330 million people and that Shangrala is not realistic in any meaningful way. If we (as in society of free thinking but incredibly stupid and selfish people united by the Grand Experiment in Diverse Democracy) hope to stand up against hateful ideas, we have to be willing to sacrifice a bit.
Uncertainty and chaos are no more bad than good. They simply are.
Most aspects of our lives are completely beyond our control and the attempt to control them is like lighting the candle scented “Frustration” while sipping the “Disappointment” cup of tea.
Living for thirty years in Chicago was instructive to this point. The weather in Chicago is the perfect incarnation of Chaos at Play. On any given day during any given month there could be thick humidity and stifling heat, pouring rain, sleet, or thirty below zero skin-cracking freeze. If control is your bag, living in Chicago could likely drive you insane just trying to be fully prepared for going outside.
How does one handle it?
The cliché is to Expect the Unexpected which is some fucking feel-good bullshit as it is easy to attribute to wisdom and completely unhelpful. The more substantial answer comes in three parts:
Always have the worst case scenario in mind while simultaneously understanding that the Vegas odds of that same scenario are heavily favored against it.
Actively lower your expectations in keeping with how unrealistic your wants actually are.
Realize that no one owes you anything — not respect, not deference, not politeness — nothing. The world owes no one anything because the world is designed in every way to make it difficult to survive.
Number one is pretty easy. Over the years of reframing, I’ve trained myself to ask that question: What is the absolute worst case possible?
Take the civil unrest at play right now. The worst case scenario is a full-out war between those protesting for substantial police reform and the police. The police have all the military-grade weapons which would be Kent State meets every school shooting plus some The Purge impunity. That is highly unlikely to happen because while we are stupid and selfish, for the most part, no one really wants to be in a firefight if it can be avoided.
Number two is probably the most taxing. In an age of instant satisfaction — fast food, same day delivery, instant messaging — dialing down our expectations is a pain in the ass. Our emotions dictate so much of how we behave and our emotions are an erratic, messy, impulsive roommate in our head. There’s no shame in feeling the Big Feels but acting upon those feelings is like taking advice from a dude masturbating into his hat while singing nonsense songs about BitCoin conspiracies. Not a great road map to solid decision making.
Number three is kind of an extension of number two. In a democracy, we believe we have rights. Our rights are guaranteed. We feel like we can demand fealty to these rights from everyone around us but the fault in that logic hits the record scratch when we are confronted with everyone demanding their rights at the same time. Adding to that the simple truth that things like pandemics and earthquakes give no fucks whatsoever about your unalienable rights and it just works out better to assume you deserve nothing, are owed nothing, that your rights are as fragile as your credit score.
If there is a fourth reframe to consider it is limit the things you take personally. Most people don’t have much concern for you or your existence as most people in a planet of billions are abstract rather than concrete. George Floyd is concrete because we saw him die on video. Black Lives are abstract because the concept lacks specificity.
Like it or not (and in direct conflict with the notion that there are enemies at every gate) most people are not so much against you as they are for themselves.
Finally, do your level best to explore perspective. Reframing requires looking outside of your lived experience and looking at things from another’s.
Donald Trump has nothing over this nutjob…
Donald Trump is a horror on a daily basis. Stream The Madness of King George and realize that other people have had it worse and survived.
COVID-19 is a scourge that is upending the carefully laid table of society. Go read up on plagues throughout history to gain understanding that these things are simply not the end of all things but the beginning of new things.
Abolishing the Police is a great idea until, like the small neighborhood of well intentioned white liberals in Minneapolis who decided to no longer allow police on their blocks only to suddenly have their public park filled with occupying drug addicts and carjackers, you kind of need someone to call when the shit hits the fan.
Reframe. Relax. Go to sleep and wake up. Eat something. Do something nice for someone without hopes for reward or social media kudos. Drink some water. Make a few bucks. Do it again tomorrow.
