by Joe Janes

Plodzki and Sons Funeral Home

July 1, 2020    8:15am

Zoom Meeting

Attendance: Eric Plodzki, DeeDee McDowell, Jason McDowell,

Angela Brass

 

ERIC

Hello, DeeDee. 

(DeeDee does not respond.)

ERIC (continuing)

DeeDee? Can you hear me? Is your sound working?

DEEDEE

I can hear you fine.

ERIC

Okay. Hello. How are you? 

DEEDEE

How do you think I am, Eric?

ERIC

Well, that’s why we’re meeting. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get everything cleared up.

(Another window opens, and Jason appears. He is sitting at a table and has a box next to him the size of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. It is sealed but looks weather-beaten.)

JASON

Hey.

ERIC

Hello, Jason.

JASON

DeeDee. …DeeDee, is your sound on?

ERIC

It’s on, Jason. Let’s go through the events of what happened and see if we can – Jason, is that box what I think it is?

JASON

I don’t know. It was out on my front stoop. Just noticed it today when I took the trash out. Looks like it was in the thunderstorm we had a few days ago. Can’t tell where it’s from.

ERIC

It’s the right size. I know I didn’t give them your address, but maybe there was a mistake at the post office or something. 

DEEDEE

If you let father’s ashes sit outside in bad weather, Jason…I’ll, I’ll-

JASON

Do what, DeeDee? Dislike me even more than you already do? How shall I ever go on?

DEEDEE

Just open the box.

JASON

Okay, okay. 

(Jason works on opening the box with his hands.)

ERIC

I just want the two of you to know that nothing like this has ever happened at Plodzki and Sons Funeral Home. We don’t do the cremating here. We use a service. I have even used them personally for a pet hamster and, as far as I know, they sent me back the right ashes. 

DEEDEE

As far as you know? Even if we got the ashes, they might not be the right ashes?

ERIC

Oh, no. They’re very careful. Pets are different because they do a few at a time and just have to keep the piles separate. People they do one at a time.

DEEDEE

My father was not a large man, Eric. If they were in a hurry, you could probably fit him and an emotional support menagerie in, what, the oven?

ERIC

We don’t like to call them ovens.

DEEDEE

We don’t know these people. They could have thrown my father’s body in a dumpster and sent a vacuum cleaner bag of dirt that’s now under some drunk disgruntled postal worker’s porch.

ERIC

I can assure you, DeeDee, they have procedures they have to follow. State regulations. 

JASON (opening box)

Got it! Do ashes look like packing peanuts? 

ERIC

Well. The ashes should be in a plastic bag.

DEEDEE

Father’s ashes are in a baggy?

ERIC

It’s a strong, high quality Zip-Loc. 

JASON

Here it is.

(Jason pulls out a baggy. It’s one giant clump.)

DEEDEE

What’s wrong with Father?

ERIC

It must have gotten wet.

JASON

What should I do?

ERIC

Well, here’s what I suggest. You could put it in your oven-

DEEDEE

I thought you didn’t like that term.

ERIC

Well, in this case, I literally mean an oven. Put it on a low temperature. It could take a few hours, but it should get all the moisture out of it and make your father all ash-y, again. 

JASON

Cool. I can warm up some leftover pizza with it.

DEEDEE

Take it out of the bag first and use a baking sheet, Jason.

ERIC

I apologize for it not being sent to you, DeeDee. 

DEEDEE

Make sure you send it to me when Father is dry.

JASON

Why should I do that, DeeDee? He liked me better.

DEEDEE

He liked me better and because that’s what we said we would do. I’m going to put father in an eco-friendly urn that I will bury in my front yard and it will grow into a mighty oak tree. Father loved trees.

JASON

Father didn’t love trees. 

DEEDEE

Maybe love is too strong a word.

JASON

Father loved hookers. Why don’t I find a dead hooker, put father inside – without the baggy, he never used one – bury her in a playground and let a chlamydia tree grow? Your grandchildren can come over and play on it. 

DEEDEE

My grandchildren will go nowhere near your chlamydia tree. Eric, I am sorry you have to hear this. My father did not love… that horrible word Jason used. He visited an intimacy therapist because of some problems he was having, and it was affecting his relationship with our stepmother. 

JASON

How do you think he met our third “stepmother”, DeeDee? She was giving $10 hand jobs in the parking lot of Arby’s. It was love at first yank. Very therapeutic.

ERIC

You know, I think I’ll drop off and I’ll let you two –

JASON

Eric, you know why DeeDee only refers to her as “stepmother”? 

DEEDEE

Because she was.

JASON

One of them, yes. But it’s because you don’t remember her name. They were married like five minutes. She didn’t even care about the ashes.

DEEDEE

Her name is Cinnamon.

JASON

Nope. Close. Cardamom. Her name is Cardamom. She couldn’t even come up with a good “intimacy therapist” name. 

ERIC

She seemed nice at the funeral.

JASON

She looked bored to me.

(Jason has opened the plastic bag and has been taking nibbles throughout the last few exchanges.)

DEEDEE

Stop eating Father, you disgusting cannibal! 

JASON

Oh. It’s not father. I was wrong. It’s a cheese curd. One giant cheese curd. They all melted together. 

ERIC

You probably shouldn’t eat that. 

JASON

Tastes better than it looks. Pepper jack, pimento, and rye. I’m a bit of a connoisseur. A VIP member of the Wisconsin Cheese Curd of the Month club. 

DEEDEE

I hope you get sick and die.

JASON

Yeah. Well. Don’t let Eric cremate me, if you do.

ERIC

I told you. We don’t do it ourselves. You know what, I’m going to try to get them. Hang on.

(Eric texts on his phone. DeeDee sits quietly. Jason continues to eat.)

JASON

This isn’t what I wanted.

DEEDEE

We shouldn’t be arguing like this.

JASON

I meant the cheese curd. I don’t like rye. It’s in my preferences. 

DEEDEE

Why are you still eating it?

JASON

Why are you still judging me?

DEEDEE

If we find the ashes, I still want them.

JASON

Sure. I don’t care. But stop kidding yourself about what a wonderful guy he was. He sold the fanny pack factory, cashed out, squandered our inheritance, and spent the rest of his autumn years calling himself the Caligula of Kenosha. 

DEEDEE

I saw a man who cared about his family and his employees and worked really hard to put food on the table. He may have had his lapses, but I saw a man with a big heart.

JASON

So big it exploded like a beached whale on a stick of dynamite. 

ERIC

Jason and DeeDee- 

(A new window appears. It is Angela from the crematorium.)

ERIC

This is Angela. 

ANGELA

Hello, DeeDee and Jason. I’m the manager here at Ashes To Ashes, Trust Our Dust. First, let me tell you, I am sorry for your loss. I have some good news and some bad news. We found your father’s ashes. I have them right here. (She holds up a bag filled with ashes.) I can get them in the mail to you today, DeeDee.

DEEDEE

What’s the bad news? He’s not all there? 

JASON

He was never all there.

ANGELA

He’s all here and plus. A bonus, if you will. We had a particularly busy week, what with all the COVID-19 cases.

JASON

Hoax!

ANGELA

Any way. One of our workers, who has been fired, tried to expedite things. Since your father was on the petite side, he placed him in the oven-

DEEDEE

Oven! Knew it!

ANGELA

-With a miniature pony named Daddy’s Girl. I am so sorry. That’s what caused the delay in getting them sent. We separated them as much as we could, but there’s no way to tell which is father and which is miniature pony. 

JASON

I think father would be okay with that. Along with hookers, he loved the ponies. 

ERIC

He liked to bet on horse races?

JASON

Nope.

DEEDEE

Well, Angela. Thank you for being honest with us. You didn’t have to tell us. 

ANGELA

It’s actually the law and we’ve had a few violations in the past. If I could be sure I could get away with it, I would totally lie to you. That reminds me. Eric, you probably got back the ashes of a boa constrictor. Not a hamster.

ERIC

Oh…Poor Walter…Thank you, Angela. Your court-ordered honesty is appreciated. Well, I’m glad this clears everything up. DeeDee, I hope we are on better terms and I hope that tree of yours flourishes and is STD-free. Jason, good luck to you and your curd. You deserve each other. 

(Jason is deep into eating his cheese curd. Eric drops off the meeting. Angela drops off the meeting. DeeDee watches Jason for a few moments and disgustedly drops off. Jason keeps eating. Stops for a moment and vomits violently into the bag. Blackout.)