By Joe Janes

A Letter from The Battle of Portland

Officer Sullivan Ballou

Federal Agent

July 22, 2020
Portland, Oregon

My very dear Sarah,

Last night was a very long night of engagement with the Portland protesters. I came face-to-face with a wall of mothers. It was with great bravery that I was able to fire canisters of tear gas at their chests. We also came up on a woman, naked as she was born, sitting unashamed in the street with her normally hidden parts decidedly unhidden. I fear she may have gotten some gravel up in there. I swear to you that I only looked upon her for a moment. 

It has been a long, tiring week. We have to share hotel rooms and our unmarked vehicles have no satellite radio.  We face many dangers. Someone threw a bicycle at me and I may have sprained my shoulder beating an unarmed protester for calling me a name a dare not repeat. Our medic referred to it as a repetitive strain injury, like carpel tunnel, but for bashing insurgency. It is with good cheer that I tell you all the statues still stand, and all the Target stores remain unsullied. 

Indications are strong that we shall fight again tonight. There have been sightings of dads with leaf blowers intended to counter our eye irritants. We shall not be deterred and have many other non-lethal options that, when used properly, can do a lot of damage, including the lethal kind. 

Lest I should not be able to write again, because we’re pretty busy, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye until you see me again …

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of Occupation Wall Street. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to prevent people from kneeling at sporting events…

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field, which is usually a street or park. I also get to wear a cool uniform and carry the kind of weapons you only see in movies and television shows. 

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. Some day we will resume watching Pawn Stars together. If you feel you must continue without me, I will be disappointed, but understanding. Soon we will be reunited, and I look forward to defiantly walking into CostCo with you on my arm and our faces bereft of so-called mandatory masks. 

But, O Sarah! You and the boys must swear to have a pleasant, normal summer. Go to the beaches. Go to the restaurants. Get many haircuts. By the time they return to school in the fall, we shall once again be reunited as a family. 

Yours by law and by heart,

Sullivan