by Joe Janes

 

Online Coffee Date with Natalie and Rich

On Zoom in their own apartments

August 12, 2020 11:30am

Attendance: Natalie, Rich, and Lance

(Natalie is alone in a Zoom meeting sipping  a cup of coffee. Rich joins.)

Natalie – Hi, Rich.

Rich – Hi, hi. Sorry, I’m late, Natalie.

Natalie – No problem.

Rich – I was on the phone, trying to figure out something, I- …It’s-

Lance (voice only-whispering) – Just say “hello”. 

Rich – Hello.

Lance (voice only-whispering) – The way we said.

Rich – Sorry. I meant. Hi-low!

Natalie – Hi-low?

Rich – It’s the way I say “hello” now. It’s…my brand.

Natalie – Your what?

Rich – Thanks for meeting me for coffee. 

Natalie – You’re actually my first online pandemic date. 

Rich – Wow. Really? That’s cool. 

Natalie - Feels like we’re really sitting in a nice little café somewhere. “Waiter, more coffee, please, or no tip.”  I tip. 

Rich - What are you drinking?

Natalie – Coffee. (pause) And you?

Rich – It’s just water. Coffee upsets my stomach.

Lance (voice only-whispering) – It’s not just water.

Rich – It’s not just water. Right. It’s coffee.  It’s bullet coffee. Bullet coffee, because I shoot from the lip. It has real bullets in it. 

(Rich takes a sip from a plain looking mug.)

Lance (voice only-whispering) – Wrong mug!

Rich – Oh. Right.

(Rich pours the water, with bullets, into a larger, more severe looking mug.)

Rich – More bullets, waiter, or no tip.” I tip.

Lance – (voice only-whipsering) – No, you don’t.

Rich – I don’t. I mean. I don’t tip.

Natalie – Is someone there with you? 

Rich – What? No. I’m alone. Completely alone. At my …studio?…crib?

Lance - (voice only-whispering) - Compound.

Rich – Compound.

Natalie – At your studio crib compound. I see. Pretty sure I heard a voice. 

(Lance turns on his screen.)

Lance – Busted! She’s a smart cookie, Poopie-DEW.

Natalie – Poopie-DEW?

Rich – That’s my new name. My new YouTube name. Do you like it?

(Natalie almost answers-)

Lance – P-o-o-p-i-e-hyphen-D-E-W. I’m Poopie-DEW’s brand manager. Lance. Nice to meet you. 

Natalie – You have a brand manager and you brought them on a date, Rich?

Lance – Poopie-DEW currently has 64 subscribers on YouTube, 2,983 followers on Twitter – up 10 since hiring me this morning, BTW. Everything else, SnapChat, Tik Tok, not worth wasting my vocal cords on. But, you’ll see, Natalie, by the end of this year, Poopie-DEW will be dripping from everyone’s lips. 

Rich – This pandemic has made me realize what my true calling is.

Natalie – To be called Poopie-DEW?

Rich – To be an influencer. 

Natalie – You’re a schoolteacher. You technically are an influencer.

Rich – I need something less dangerous that pays more. 

Natalie – Well, Rich –

Rich and Lance – Poopie-DEW.

Natalie - This isn’t exactly-

Lance – She’s got the smokey eye.

Natalie – I have the what?

Lance – The smokey eye. Exotic. You’d make a great girlfriend for Poopie-DEW. 

Natalie – Bet I wouldn’t. .

Lance – When Poopie-DEW says something racist, in Phase Two of my strategic plan, he can say, “I’m not racist. My girlfriend is…whatever you are.”

Natalie – What I am is going to the ladies room. 

(She leaves her camera on but leaves the frame.)

Rich – I thought she was at home.

Lance – I think she is. (pause) Let’s plan your next YouTube video. I have an idea that will guarantee you go viral. Walk into a bank naked and pretend to rob it. 

Rich – That’s a great idea. I can wear a mask, though, right?

Lance – No. No mask. You can also scream at them about your constitutional rights.