By Joe Janes

Francis Dehuerlien, CEO of MyNeckBrace,

submits a draft of his speech to the Republican National Committee

for the Republican National Convention.

Ladies and gentlemen, and I do mean, ladies and gentlemen. You got something else going on between your legs that’s not a motorcycle, that’s between you and your God, if you got one,  and I don’t want to hear about it. My name is Francis Dehuerlien. You know me as the MyNeckBrace Guy. Neck braces don’t have to be for the infirm. You don’t have to hold your head up high, let MyNeckBrace do all the work for you. Now in MAGA red. I was also in the news recently for using my God given right to brandish a firearm at potential looters to protect my modest 22-acre home and property in Bridgeview, Illinois. They’re lucky I only pointed my semi-automatic rifle at them. Had I been in my Ford Explorer, I might have plowed them ANTIFA agitators down as the five of them were walking at a threatening leisurely pace on the sidewalk. 

Let’s get this out on the table. All Lives Matter. I will hold for your applause. All lives matter, but especially mine because I have enough money to buy a big house and own lots of guns. That’s because I built my stylish neck brace empire from the ground up with only the slightest “seed money” from my millionaire father. This is what it means to be an American. 

You better believe I am voting for Donald J. Trump for president, again. Am I better off than I was four years ago? Hell, yes. I pay less taxes. I pay the same or less to my employees with fewer benefits. They’re lucky to have a job.  None of my money goes to overpaid teachers who indoctrinate children to be liberals. I’ll teach my own children about America’s biggest hoaxes – slavery, COVID-19, Tyler Perry. I will also teach them the pledge of allegiance, to stand during the national anthem, and that the Bible is the only textbook they need to try to read.  And my children always look like they are paying attention because they’re wearing MyLittleNeckBraces for kids. They feature popular lawyer-approved copyright safe characters, like Howdy Kitty, Spider-Pal, and Academy Award winning actor Jon Voight. 

When I voted for Donald Trump in 2016, I did it to Make America Great Again. Now, four years later, I’m voting to Keep America Greater Still. “Brace” yourself for victory in November.