By Joe Janes

The RNC2020 Convention

Wednesday, August 26, 2020 11:00am

Undisclosed Location No Press Allowed

No Formal Attendance Taken

Earlier this week, we announced that we will not be updating our platform for 2020 and fully put our support behind President Donald J. Trump.

Here’s out “Secret Menu” platform that only we know about.

-       The Republican Party is anti-racist. Please do not use the term “racist.” America is not racist. It’s called nature. Like the First Lady, we believe in racial harmony. Racial harmony is achieved when people just shut the fuck up and know their place. 

-       The China Virus is under control and America is back, baby! Those thousand people dying every day are just being assholes trying to make the president look bad. 

-       It’s okay to question where someone was born. It’s healthy to be curious and ask questions (like that).

-       Abortion is still bad, unless it’s the nanny or mistress. 

-       Money doesn’t buy happiness. The fewer people who are billionaires means more people will be happy. We’re doing people a favor by keeping them poor. 

-       Socialism will quickly lead to a dystopian future where we have less money than everyone else. We won’t be poor, but we’ll be more likely to see poor people  in our own neighborhoods. By poor people, we mean black. And brown. And subversively gay. 

-       QAnon? What’s QAnon? We have no idea what QAnon is. But this looks like an interesting theory about Hilary Clinton’s nipples being made out of plutonium and she is knowingly nursing babies that will be forced to have radiation sex with Hollywood celebrities. Please retweet. 

- Truth equals volume and repetition.

-       Donald J. Trump is our president-for-life. We do what he says, and we do what we want while he’s busy tweeting, golfing, and watching television.