by Joe Janes

Joe Biden has vowed to bring strength, compassion, and dignity back to the office of the president. He released an aggressive First 100 Days agenda.

But what are Joe’s personal goals for himself for each day. It’s just as ambitious and here it is…

 

1)    Pick a fist fight with Gritty

2)    Challenge interns to “Punch Ol’ Joe in the gut.” To show off my abs

3)    Binge watch “The Wire” again

4)    Finish that Sudoku puzzle I started in the bathroom in 1987

5)    Teach Kamala Obama and my’s secret handshake

6)    Shave the dogs

7)    Play Hide ‘n’ Seek with Secret Service agents

8)    Get my body upholstered in leather

9)    Practice my uneven bars routine for the US Olympic Trials

10) Prevent an earthquake with my mind

11) Eat a bucket of atomic chicken wings

12) Wear my clothes backwards and walk backwards all day

13) Shoot boudoir pics for my calendar

14) Eat a bucket of ice cream without my hands

15) Wrestle a bear

16) Appoint bear to a cabinet position

17) Dress up like an old school fringe-y cowboy for Jill

18) Clean out that junk drawer that we didn’t clean out before moving 

19) Ask staff for volunteers for cannibal experiment

20) Eat pizza without cheese

21) Read the Bible out loud in my God voice

22) Meet with generals and demand they let me tickle them

23) Eat sherbet out of a feedbag

24) Pass executive order that sherbet be officially spelled sherbert

25) Watch all of Jim Verney’s movies simultaneously

26) Stand at Whitehouse window, look deep in thought, then suddenly jump up and click my heels and shout “Eureka!”

27) Hangout around the monuments busking with my harmonica

28) Knit a cozy for my Camaro

29) Learn to speak Portuguese

30) Sniff Hair Day

31) Kill a whale with my bare hands

32) Learn a magic trick

33) Finally put all those pennies into penny rolls

34) Tippy Toe Day

35) Build a life-size Play-Doh statue of Sacagawea 

36) Make Canada a state

37) Announce that I will be riding a motorcycle when I enter the senate chambers to give the State of the Union Address

38) Hang out with the youngsters at the Senior Center

39) See what happens when I eat rope

40) Lead a hot yoga class in the ballroom

41) Put a dozen foosball tables on that tennis court

42) Dig up that bland rose garden and put in some corn and some of that purple cabbage stuff Jill likes

43) Teach Lady Gaga my signature moves

44) Go parasailing over the Potomac

45) Challenge Mitch McConnell to a duel

46) Be dropped naked in the middle of Wyoming to survive on my own for the day

47) Paint like Bob Ross

48) Hire tuba player to follow me around all day

49) Make my own oatmeal

50) Issue executive order to Hollywood that end credits can’t be any longer than three minutes and to let people know if there’s a mid or end credits scene

51) Set up confetti canon in Lincoln’s lap at memorial

52) Be taller

53) Make “Speak Like A Pirate Day” a national holiday with banks and government offices closed

54) Learn to cook blowfish

55) Eat cheese out of my closed fists

56) Offer free hand car washes to White House tourists

57) Go to the homeless shelter with my “Free Hugs” sign

58) Shave the dogs again

59) Marzipan is not a dog breed – learn it for good

60) Break the Guinness World Record for largest bubble blown with gum

61) Climb Mount Rushmore in a yellow jumpsuit and dangle from Teddy Roosevelt’s nose

62) Put my face on a coin but make it so it winks at you

63) Try to lick myself the way the dogs do

64) Host a cabinet poetry slam

65) Fuck it – Let’s go to Vegas! 46 on Red!

66) Make all the countries at Epcot Center US territories

67) Let’s try fried bull testicles

68) Walk through the park and only talk to pets, ignore their owners

69) Make a fluffy omelet

70) Rap Battle with Jimmy Carter

71) White House yard sale – There’s a lot of junk here

72) Make healthy snacks for supreme court justices

73) Try something new with Kombucha – olives?

74) Release the secret files on Bigfoot

75) Do a new vision board

76) Send Inauguration thank you notes – I’m so behind on this!

77) Make Girl Scouts a formal branch of the military

78) Replace Space Force with flying Girl Scouts

79) Take set of A-Team travel mugs to pawn shop

80) Work on tightrope routine – no net

81) Nominate Dolly Parton for sainthood

82) Get the dogs’ toys out from under the refrigerator

83) Do the dishes

84) Go see a play (not Ford Theater)

85) Buy a telescope

86) Read a trashy novel

87) Take Jill to one of those restaurants where they make the guacamole at your table but surprise her by taking it over and making the guac myself

88) Twister Day in the Oval Office

89) Walk around with blank video tape cassette and whisper to people, “I have the pee tape.”

90) Email all my tweets so far to Trump so he can enjoy them, too

91) Put up my blacklight posters

92) Pizza Roll Eating Contest on the South Lawn

93) Dance a jig

94) See if I can fit my fist in my mouth

95) Everyone gets a dog

96) Hook accordion up to the furnace to stoke the embers 

97) Pitch idea for solar-powered bomb rocket catapult to ACME

98) Dress up like old-timey crook and try to walk by security

99) Wear a crown and eat mutton noisily

100)                Free healthcare for all (JK!)