By Don Hall

Guardians of the Galaxy

Chris Pratt is a Christian and kind of dislikes gay people. This likewise spoils the Jurassic World movies. Can't watch 'em. Cancel.

Gone With the Wind

Margaret Mitchell's celebrated tome is little more than the 1936 version of Fifty Shades of Grey.  A horribly written, incredibly popular book made into a movie. Also, the South loses.

Bridgerton

Shonda Rhimes has created the ultimate rebuke to Ibram X. Kendi with this completely color-blind soap opera that features a host of races onscreen and no one mentions race once while they all dance, fuck, conspire, and speak in a faux British dialect.

Tootsie

Michael Dorsey is a white man who pretends to be a woman to get a job and then uses this transphobic ruse to have sex with a co-worker.

The Vanished

Jason Patric, the stud Keanu Reeves replacement in Speed 2 went Russell Crowe and got fat.

I Am Not Your Negro

It turns out that James Baldwin is not your negro.

All Woody Allen Films

Whether or not you believe the accusations, he's been accused. That should be enough, right? 

2021 Political Fights

It's like the past four years were the last season of Dallas and we all collectively woke up from a fever dream. We're now exactly where we left off fighting about voter's rights, gerrymandering, banking reform, abortion rights, and an obstructionist GOP blocking the Democratic president's agenda.

Fight Club

All they fucking do in both the novel and the David Fincher film is talk about Fight Club.

Moby Dick

The whale is a metaphor. For toxic masculinity.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Roald Dahl was an anti-Semitic Nazi-sympathizer. The Oompa-loompahs were originally African pygmies. Wonka burns a kid in an oven. Holy fuck.

A Streetcar Named Desire

Stanley is a drunk, abusive husband. Cancel.

IT

Turns out that the Loser's Club finally beats Pennywise by becoming the bullies they despise. A perfect allegory for 2020.

Instagram

No longer a whimsical place for photos, this platform is now just an Ad Board for Only Fans.

Beauty and the Beast

If the metaphor of a toxic monster kidnapping a woman in hopes she can change him doesn't trigger you instantly you must be dead inside. Pretty good tunes, though.

Tenet

The movie, like the title, is a palindrome.

The Mandalorian

The baby is not actually Yoda.

2020 Presidential Election

Biden won. By a lot.