By Don Hall

With the indefinite hold on Hollywood releasing its newest and brightest pictures due to the fact that movie theaters are closed rooms filled with the COVIDy air of strangers (unlike, say, casinos or bars) the saving grace of the streaming boom is the panning for the cinematic gold of the untouched films of writers, directors, and actors previously ignored or cherished far too long ago.

Since March of last year, I've binged upon the complete works of Quentin Tarantino, David Fincher, Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington, Bobcat Goldthwaite, Reese Witherspoon, Terry Gilliam, Angela Bassett, The Coen Brothers, Kevin Costner, Aaron Sorkin, Michelle Yeoh, and Kurt Russell.

Who can resist a second (or fifth) viewing of Gone Girl, The Social Network, or Miller's Crossing? Brazil followed by Escape from New York followed by Training Day? Most of my gluttony of great cinema has been just that: great cinema.

There is, however, a soft spot in my heart for the movies of Gerard Butler.

Less enchanted by the romcoms in his IMDB (P.S. I Love You, The Ugly Truth, or Playing for Keeps) or even his super badass phase (300, RocknRolla), my Gerard Butler jam happens once he gained a bit of weight, got the slightly droopy underchin, and did his level best to do one of the least convincing American accents since Kevin Costner tried an English accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

I'm talking Machine Gun Preacher, Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen, Angel Has Fallen, Geostorm, Hunter Killer, Den of Thieves and the most recent, Greenland. Sort of badass, kinda schlubby, good looking but not John Hamm or Brad Pitt, ordinary guy thrust in extraordinary circumstances and saves the day movies.

When a team of Korean paramilitaries take the U.S. President (Eckhart) hostage, it's up to disgraced security chief Mike Banning (Butler) to stage a rescue attempt.

and

Satellite architect and space cowboy Jake (Butler) has designed a device to protect our planet from climate change, but it’s sabotaged.

AND

Submarine captain Joe Glass (Butler) leads a mission to rescue the Russian president from his own deranged defense minister and so avert WWIII.

Butler plays the heroes I want to play in terribly contrived B-movie plots that I want to be in.

Take his latest, Greenland.

He's an architect for skyscrapers. Who doesn't want that gig? The irony is that a comet from another galaxy is coming for Earth. It's gonna destroy all the buildings he designed! He and his über hot wife are on the outs and he needs to step up to save his marriage. What better way than to man up and save her from imminent asteroid death? His kid is diabetic so he gets to save him while carrying his insulin the entire movie.

Goddamn, Gerard.

Scott Glenn plays his father-in-law. A couple in need of a kid to get on a government lottery flying people to a deep core survival base in Greenland (thus the lousy title) kidnap the kid and the ridiculously sexy mom finds him and then Gerard finds them!

This thing makes Armageddon look like Godfather Part II and yet, like a triple-stacked cheeseburger with cheese fries, and a chocolate peanut butter shake, it goes down like your last meal before the hot lethal injection in a Chicago death row room.

The pandemic has been a hell on Earth for so many. At least we still have the filmic output of one Gerard Butler to remind us that movies and movie stars don't have to be good, they just have to be consistent. That consistency is a salve in a chaotic world and who else would we rather save the democracy than Gerard Butler with an improbably cool name kicking ass and shaking off the virus like a guy punched by a short Asian woman.