I Like to Watch | Eternals (2021)
All dogs joyfully sniff the butts of all other dogs but some ass just doesn't smell right.
Anyone who follows my cultural opining knows how much I love the MCU. I'll fully admit that questions of intellect and taste may accompany your suspicions about me given I have likely viewed most of the Marvel films dozens of times and never seem to tire of them.
While not as zealous about Marvel as I am about Apple products, I could be considered a full-born shill for the stories of Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, and the host of characters and tales of improbable CGI-generated super powers on display. I likewise enjoy the DCEU but my heart will always steer toward Marvel.
The appeal of Marvel over DC for me is the entire Gods or Humans debate. DC is an alien being adopted by humans with more power than can be imagined (with Batman being a notable exception). Marvel is a normal science geek high school kid bitten by a radioactive spider. DC is filled with gods and billionaires. Marvel is filled with people just like me with powers they didn't ask for. DC has a destiny. Marvel has a responsibility.
That said, not all Marvel movies are good.
2015's Avengers: Age of Ultron is a bit of a turd despite a few amazing moments. I love the Hulkbuster fight between Stark and Banner, the introduction of Wanda and Pietro, and the creation of Vision. Unfortunately, the thing is a mess and seems to only serve as launching pad for the Sakovia Accords, Wakanda, and getting Hulk off-world. .
2010's Iron Man 2 kind of bites the crap hotdog. Still a decent enough introduction of Black Widow and the inclusion of Sam Rockwell but the bullshit performance by Mickey Rourke and weak ending make this a lesser outing.
2013's Thor: The Dark World is a fucking snooze.
2019's Captain Marvel is unnecessarily preachy.
2016's Doctor Strange is just a rehashed Iron Man.
I've still watched these movies more than once (in order to complete each puzzle piece in a completist sort of way) but they are not on my list of Best and Brightest.
The Fiege Formula of getting top-notch directors to helm these live-action cartoons has resulted in some extraordinarily solid storytelling even within a fairly rigid structure. Making a movie with predetermined characters in a larger storyline than the individual film and making it unique is a challenge.
Ryan Coogler did it with Black Panther primarily by imbuing Kilmonger a genuine and convincing rationale for his villainy. Taika Waititi nailed Thor: Ragnorak by giving the entire enterprise a sense of absurdist humor. The Russos knocked things out of the park with Avengers: Infinity Wars and Avengers: Endgame—which is no easy task, juggling a cast of so many characters in such huge set pieces and managing to also present a cohesive storyline with solid emotional beats.
I wanted to love Chloe Zhao's Eternals. I love her debut film The Rider and enjoyed Nomadland. Unlike most of the MCU, I had no previous experience with these characters as I had never once read their series. New characters, cool new premise, Oscar winning director, rumors of some big swings at bat including one of the most ethnically diverse casts in MCU history, an out gay hero, and a sex scene? I'm in.
I wanted to love Chloe Zhao's Eternals and, after seeing it, I saw my wife. "It was fun!" I said. Then I started doing what people don't believe Marvel fans do—I started thinking about it and the fun seeped from my fingers like the spice of Dune.
First, and before I start nitpicking bad directorial choices, the common thread in critique that the MCU formula was too constricting for an observational filmmaker like Zhao is nonsense. Zhao pitched Marvel, not the other way around. She pitched Eternals. She is the primary writer of the script. Any argument that she was not fully in charge of this thing is delusional.
Second, Eternals is ambitious like few other Marvel films. 7,000 years to explain. Effectively an origin story of the universe. A Creator myth that includes the creation of all planets and life, Celestials, Deviants, the bizarre planet-destroying births of other Celestials, as well as a central story involving ten heroes, their relationships to one another, to the immortality they endure, and why they exist in the first place. In one movie. So give 'em a bit of a break.
Third, Zhao has almost single-handedly pushed the MCU into some much needed territory culturally. Say what you want about casting that big net of humanity (and you will), the rainbow coalition of heroes is beautiful to see and important to note. I love my white guy heroes as much as anyone but the widening of ethnicities grounds this universe into the reality that we live. Contrary to most identitarians, this is easily the most color-blind casting I’ve seen thus far.
OK. Let's get into this.
Based on the series introduced by Jack Kirby in 1976 when he seemed to be tripping on acid, Eternals skips back and forth through the centuries and ancient civilizations: Babylon, Mesopotamia and the Gupta Empire. The Eternals are on Earth to protect humanity from the Deviants. After they kill off the Deviants, the Eternals scatter to live human lives until they get called back by the six-eyed mega-god who sent them in the first place. While there, they are instructed by their Den Mother, Ajak (a woefully under utilized Salma Hayek), to not interfere with humanity's natural evolution. Like the Star Trek Prime Directive but for gods.
Turns out they left Kho, a power absorbing Deviant, and four or five others alive but frozen in the ice. Global warming melts the ice and Kho is off to kill the Eternals.
The Eternals are:
Sersi (Gemma Chan), the alchemist; Ikaris (Richard Madden), with the gift of flight and laser eyes; Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani), who shoots energy blasts from his hands and does his best to crack wise; and Sprite (Lia McHugh), who can cast illusions but is trapped in a child's body. Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry), who can create advanced technologies with light; Makkari (Lauren Ridloff), a speedster who is also deaf; Druig (Barry Keoghan), mind control; Gilgamesh (Don Lee) with super punching strength, and Thena (Angelina Jolie), who can summon weapons from thin air. Ajak has healing powers for when the Deviants get a solid shot in there.
I like the diversity in the cast. It reflects the world around me and provides a deeper tapestry of humanity (you know, except unlike most Marvel characters, these folks aren't human so the cultural histories involving skin color, gender, and sexual preference don't really have anything to do with these god-like figures). Unfortunately, it feels more like a checklist for a corporate board hiring formula than any authentic use of the highly inclusive cast.
EXAMPLE: Makkari is deaf. And fast. And black. Her blackness is a non-issue. Her deafness has nothing to do with her speed. Lauren Ridloff is deaf in real life so it makes sense to cast her as a deaf hero. Except, in a scene set in 575 BC, using American sign language that hasn't been invented, she tells two Babylonians that she can sense all vibrations around her including the vibrations of their voices. Which is hearing. Her character can interpret sound vibrations so she can ostensibly hear. This means she isn't actually deaf at all and then why the fuck use sign language?
Cuz diversity? Gimme a break, wilya? I’m an idiot watching the movie. I guarantee someone mentioned this detail yet no one gave a shit?
SPOILER: The Eternals are synthetic beings created by the mega-god to fight the Deviants. Why would the mega-god intentionally create one of his ten with a disability unless the deafness somehow was essential to her powers (which it is not)?
ZHAO: "We're going to include a sex scene between Sersi and Ikaris."
DISNEY: "What? My god, you are a true groundbreaker!"
ZHAO: "It's essential because these two actors have zero chemistry and the dialogue I've written to indicate they fall in love is really pretty bad. Sex is the only way we can demonstrate that they're a couple."
DISNEY: "OK. You win. Since it's the very first sex scene in twenty-four movies, I hope it's really amazing!"
ZHAO: "Nah. We'll film it from the chest up, chastely focusing on their faces. It’s ten seconds of broadly suggested missionary. We'll light it poorly, too."
DISNEY: "Hmmmm. Will they at least look like the sex is superheroic?"
ZHAO: "Nope. They'll have the same slightly bored, slightly in-thought looks on their faces as they do on the poster."
Speaking of looking bored, Zhao has A-List stars in this thing and a few spectacular actors to boot and, if you'd never seen any of them in any other film before Eternals, you'd think "Where did they get these terrible actors?" Jolie looks forlorn and uninspired throughout as if her motivation was "Where's my fucking check?"
The colors are muted, the emotions are muted, the stakes are silly*. I don't have to believe the world is ending but the heroes need to emotionally give a shit for me to buy-in. At no point does any one of these actors look like they believe the world is ending and, I'm sorry, but the reason to violate their robot programming to allow humanity to be destroyed is the tired trope of "Humans suck ass but they love sometimes, too" is weak sauce in a storyline that is, in its way, Biblical. Wonder Woman did it much better despite the shitty god-fight at the end.
* Yeah, most Marvel movies have silly stakes but if Tony Stark doesn't seem to care if Thanos wins, how am I supposed to give a flying Infinity Stone Gauntlet West Side Story snapping fuck?
My wife asked me what my favorite moments were and I was struck dumb. I couldn't think of a single moment. "I loved the end credit scene?"
Not everyone likes the MCU. My friend Don Smith (actor, Los Angeles) pretty much hates the existence of the franchise. Most of the critics bemoaning the unholy union of an Oscar winning director and the Marvel formula are simply rehashing their existing distaste for the MCU. Most idiots bitching about the diversity thing are desperately clinging to a worldview that is moving past them.
I love the MCU. I’m incredibly excited about the upcoming Spiderman and Doctor Strange. I’m even looking forward to the Hawkeye TV show. I'll be fine forgetting Eternals just like I'm fine forgetting Ang Lee's HULK, the two bullshit Fantastic Four movies, and the last couple of X Men bags of shit.
At the end of Guardians of the Galaxy the placard popped up saying "The Guardians Will Return" and I was thrilled. At the end of this thing, the same placard popped up—"The Eternals Will Return"— and my face was immediately identical to the nonplussed, apathetic look Jolie had for the duration of the film.
Don Smith will be ecstatic.
