by Joe Janes

As the United States is about to “celebrate” a one-year anniversary of pandemic life, Mattel is releasing a series of new toys designed to be educational for kids and useful to adults.

-       My Li’l Bartender

Kids get to play with different types of glasses, liquid measurers, spoons, etc. to make mommy or daddy their favorite cocktail. They learn a skill while developing conversational skills about sports and that asshole Bob at work. Even comes with a tip jar!

-       Animal ZOO-m Costumes

A costume with a full mask for the head, but underneath the little tiger’s nose is a muzzle to keep the child within quiet as a mouse. Costumes are also padded to dampen noises and heavily weighted shoes to limit movements. Also comes in Office Plant. Perfect for those online meetings when mommy or daddy doesn’t want to be interrupted. 

-       Superhero Feedbags

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s just little Timmy walking around listlessly with a cape and a bag over his face filled with CBD-laced gummy bears. 

-       The Go-Getter Kangaroo

A marsupial-themed pullover with multiple pockets on it so little Joey can go get things for her parents in one trip. Want those leftovers from last night? Joey can get food from the fridge and have pockets for utensils, napkins, and beverages. Pockets can also handily store useful items like bottle openers and remote controls. 

-       Speak ‘n’ Spell ‘n’ Eat or Die

Kids get challenged to spell words and, if correct, are rewarded with a small nutritious meal-replacement treat. “D-Y-S-T-O-P-E-A-N” – Sorry, Sally. No treat for you. Wait thirty minutes and try again!

-       My Potty Pal

The Potty Pal teaches children about using human waste for composting and filtering urine into drinking water. (No image available)