by Don Hall

From Slate:

Q. Aunt wants to “get over” racial slurs: My aunt (father’s sister) and I have had a fairly acrimonious relationship since I was in my teens, mostly because of her dislike of my mother. Fast forward to Christmas of this year, when I texted my aunt and her husband to thank them for some cookies they sent me. We started talking again, exchanging memes and discussing our shared love of photography, in what I had hoped was a fresh start. Talk turned to politics eventually, because we both believed our politics aligned somewhat—me more as a leftist, and her a liberal.

However, when I mentioned that I was happy to see white people experience consequences when they used slurs such as the N-word, she said it was a “choice” to be offended by slurs like that, and how people needed to get over it. She even spelled it out. I was totally bewildered. We are both white women. I told her it was inappropriate and racist for her to write or say that word. She continued to use it, saying she should be able to because it was “just a word.” I went on to provide her with multiple sources about why it was offensive and racist. She then said how I was “looking for reasons to have contempt for her” and how she and “the family” have never understood why I’ve always hated her. This went on and on until I eventually stopped responding. However, she’s texted me every day this past week, trying to talk again like nothing’s happened. So how do I address the obvious racism with someone who thinks she’s “the most accepting and multicultural person in our family” for one, and secondly, always makes herself out to be the victim when I disagree with her on anything?

First things first. It is and has always been a choice to take offense or not. 

ALWAYS.

Your aunt has chosen to not be offended by a word that has become weaponized. You have chosen to be offended by it's casual use. Likewise, your aunt has chosen to be offended by being lectured and you choose to be offended that she is offended by your lecturing.

Multiple sources of why that word is offensive is ultimately as helpful as pointing to a Rotten Tomatoes score to prove a movie is bad. Offense is subjective.

Back in the olden times it was considered inappropriate and offensive for women to wear pants. Skirts had to be down to their feet with no ankle showing and the scolds of religious intolerance insisted upon the practice. Didn’t really work out for the scolds because, in part, the more you tell people they cannot do something or they are bad the more they push that boundary.

There was a time when the scolds of society dictated that inter-racial relationships were forbidden. They were considered inappropriate and offensive. Again, the scolds lost that battle.

The scolds of America decided that gays should not be allowed to marry. They decided that marijuana was the worst imaginable drug. They were offended by rap lyrics.

Those who scold others for things they find inappropriate and offensive always lose. 

Scolds are always of the religious mindset, whether it is the religion of a Deity or the secular religion of newfound morality. The difficulty lies in the simple truth that morality changes with the times and the scolds are almost always on the losing side of history.

Perhaps, rather than scold your aunt, be an example for her. If she uses that word politely leave the conversation. Eventually she'll either leave you alone or decide that, in order to have a conversation with you, she should refrain from using that word around you.

Either outcome solves your problem unless your problem has more to do with your need to control her behavior and then I'm afraid you'll never win that fight.