By Joe Janes

Four months after Iowans voted in record numbers, Governor Kim Reynolds of Iowa signs a law shortening Iowa’s early voting and reducing Election Day hours. 

In the name of voter integrity to combat non-existent voter fraud, Iowans will now have to abide by the following.

 - The Sunshine Law — Voters will be screened to make sure they are not “sun crazy.” Someone who has spent too much time in the sun, may not be in the right mind to vote responsibly. If the skin on their arm is darker than a designated election judge, they will be turned away from the polls.

- Mail-In ballots must have three and half stamps on them to ensure proper delivery.

- People must have three forms of identification; state ID, pay stub, and dental x-rays. 

- People waiting in line to vote are not allowed to be given water, snacks, chairs, or umbrellas and may be ticketed for loitering if standing in line longer than ten minutes. 

- People are not allowed to wear political apparel promoting a candidate or party. Un-ironically wearing “hip” thrift store clothes will be considered pro-democrat and offenders will be ejected. 

- Mail-In ballots must be sent on the Friday before Election Day between midnight and 1 a.m. Ballots not received by the opening of polls on Election Day will be mulched and fed to cows. 

- Polls will close one hour earlier or than before or when the designated election judge feels sleepy. People still standing in line when the polls close will still be able to vote after being pepper sprayed. 

- Absentee voter ballots will not be sent by county auditors unless the person can concretely confirm they are not there. 

- Absentee ballots may be dropped off in the one official state ballot drop box near that bridge on that road with the thing on it. 

- People with disabilities can request the election judge step into the voter booth while they shout their selections to them through the curtain. 

- Voters must answer the question, “Who’s the president, really?”