by Joe Janes

YELP REVIEW: COVID-19 Vaccination

United Center, Chicago, IL

Pfizer & Pfizer

ONE out of FIVE Stars

The lowest rating Yelp allows in one star. I would give my experience ½ a star if I could! Same as my reviews of the city water fountain on the lake path near Montrose, the tree in my yard, and Yelp itself. 

Look. I believe in science, but only to a limit. I was very excited when I discovered my neighborhood was a high-risk area for COVID which pushed my zip code ahead of the line to receive the vaccine. My appointment was at 11:30am and, yes, I showed up a half hour early and, no, they didn’t make me wait. I was in and out of there in less than half an hour. A less than half an hour that I will never get back!

Here are my complaints –

-       No Snacks! Anywhere. Not even mints as you leave. This is just rude. I just did something for my country and I don’t even get a cookie or a small bag of chips? Juice? Major fail, Uncle Sam. When I gave blood one time at work several years or so ago – BLOOD, mind you – I was given as many snacks as I could wolf down in 15 minutes. The Red Cross cared that I gave them my life’s second most precious fluid. What exactly are my tax dollars being wasted on? Welfare? School lunch programs?

-       BORING uniforms! Ugh. No imagination. It was like a grade school Halloween party where you can either be a fake doctor or play soldier. All tricks. No treats. Seriously, everyone was either in scrubs or camouflage. Camouflage? Really? What are they trying to hide? 

-      Scam! The person who gave me my shot was one of their cos-play soldiers. I played along. “Aye-aye, Derek!” I rolled my sleeve up to my sweater vest and turned my head. The shot was quick and painless which makes me wonder if “GI Derek” even gave me a shot. I asked to speak to a manager and was rudely told I needed to move along. I’m consulting with my lawyer about this. (BTW – Bring your own fashionable bandage. This “flesh” tone one looks like a hideous age spot upon my porcelain pores.)

-      Smiling!  It also bothered me that Derek kept smiling. Sure, he had a mask on, but his eyes had a big toothy grin. People are dying from COVID-19. Is it too much to ask for a man in uniform to take a deadly virus seriously?

-      More Boringness!  I didn’t have to wait to get in and get my shot, but I sure did have to wait before leaving. Big tent, spread out chairs, no music, no television, no magazines, no folk singers. Joe Biden can’t afford to put up a TV with Fox News on it? Really? They don’t want the outside world to be coughing the truth on you in the vaccine tent.

-       NO SNACKS! When you wait, they have a person assigned to you. They approach you as soon as you sit down. This person – Sasha, her name probably was – said hello and then refused to take my order for a light appetizer and hot water with lemon. Nothing.

- Not smiling! Would it hurt Sasha to smile? Her mask creases never moved. Needless to say, I did not tip Sasha. 

-       No consent! The final insult? They automatically signed me up for a second appointment. Um, excuse me? Ever heard of consensual vaccinations? This is America and why I cry.

Were there side effects? Hell, yes, there were side effects! I immediately became cranky and have been sore ever since. There was also some diarrhea after I ate some hot wings at a bar across the street afterwards (Three out of Five stars). I’ll go back for my second shot if the government apologizes for the horrid treatment and promises me a reasonable amount of snacks. And juice.