By David Himmel 

Offense is hell. It’s angering and frustrating and confusing and sometimes it feels eternal. Like the actual Hell, which is real because people who trust the Zombie God say so (happy Easter, by the way), there are a variety of meeting places for those who have been offended. And so, I present to you the Nine Circles of Offense. And if you’ve ever been offended, you’ll understandably recognize a few having visited that circle or circles before.

1. Personal

A party populated by individuals who brought their own grievances. Something terrible happened to them that manifested as offense and they’re there to talk about how wronged they were. Perhaps they were called a name that caused them to forget that sticks and stones break bones and that names can never hurt them. This party is mostly populated by high schoolers and a sizeable contingency of adults born after 1982.

2. Global

There are injustices against groups of people and individuals the world over. And against plants and the air we breathe. It’s offensive that humankind does not look out for itself or its home planet. Here, you’ll meet Greenpeace workers and old hippies who have become immune to the euphoria provided by mushrooms.

3. Sexual

Here is where true equality exists. Every single unwanted sexual encounter, from someone asking you out twice and you rejecting them as many times to being molested by your grandparent to being raped by a rich swimmer behind a dumpster… all of these atrocities bear equal offense.

4. Perceived

This circle is overflowing with those who literally misheard or dramatically misinterpreted another’s statement. It feels like the offended was looking, hoping to be offended. These people commonly congregate on social media and in marriages.

5. Social Media

A place reserved for those who engage in social media comment sections wherein their level of offense ratchets up with each additional comment posted because of the multitude of folks chiming in. Like riding a bike in sand, it’s hard to get anywhere because while one comment is being written in response to a more recent comment, another is being written in response to an older comment. A response to the response is cast and as more people jump into the ongoing ratfuckery, context gets further and further away causing a near collapse of the rational mind.

6. Altruistic

Here is where you’re offended for those who take no offense. A hellscape of sacrificial lambs all calling out into the night “Baaaaaaad!”

7. Patriotic

Dedicated viewers and committed broadcasters and producers of cable news reside here. These folks go to great lengths to use political differences as offensive battle tactics. This is where Dr. Seuss and the Potato Head family became polarizing.

8. Inactive

No matter the conversation, the offended will find a way, often without tact or charm, to disrupt said conversation with their perceived offense. This circle is affectionately nicknamed the Debbie Downer or the Nestor, Not Again.

9. Offended

The safety net for all the offended who offend all the other offended and are cast out. You’ll find your Cancel Culture Mob, Proud Boys, Orthodox Jews, and Evangelical Christians here.